Alright, let's turn on C-SPAN!
The American election cycle, once a bastion of democracy and the spirited exercise of the will of the people, has become a cumbersome two year slog to the finish as physically and emotionally draining as that ten minute long fight over sunglasses in John Carpenter’s They Live. That’s why, in this excerpt from next month’s issue of Hair Guy Lifestyle magazine, we’re going to teach you a number of politically-oriented cocktails that you can throw back whenever you’re in danger of being close to a radio, television, or computer for the next six months.
Who knows? Maybe if you drink enough of these, you’ll black out and wake up after the election! Either that or you’ll die – but that’s still infinitely better than watching Wolf Blitzer and that giant touchscreen boondoggle CNN seems to expect us to be impressed with.
THE MICHELLE OBAMA
Four oz vodka
Mix with chocolate milk
Stir, serve in pint glass
In honor of our first lady, The Michelle Obama is strong, black, and simultaneously arousing and intimidating to most white guys. Mix one up every time a political pundit mentions her arms instead of talking about real issues, or every time Barack makes a joke in a speech that Michelle clearly does not find amusing.
THE JOE BIDEN
One shot of Jagermeister herbal liqueur
Dropped into a pint glass full of Jagermeister herbal liqueur
Dropped into a wide mouth beer stein full of tequila
Anybody who’s spent so much as five minutes in a college bar knows that some of our most embarrassing verbal gaffes get made under the influence of that bizarre German concoction Jagermeister, particularly in the popular Jager/Red Bull drop shot known as a Jagerbomb.
Joe Biden, however, has made public statements so baffling that he’s clearly foregone Red Bull in favor of more Jager, along with some tequila to embolden him enough to swagger around dropping F-bombs when there are open mics in the area and he’s the Vice fucking President of the United States.
THE SANTORUM SPECIAL
One pint of Budweiser
Several strawberries, cumquats, and pineapple slices hidden in the beer, just below the surface
Serve with a Bible with all the relevant passages about homosexuality highlighted for easy discrimination
If there’s one thing we all know about Rick Santorum, it’s that on the outside he’s a folksy, God-fearing, all American working man. If there’s two things we know about Rick Santorum, it’s that on the inside he’s super duper gay. Jean shorts, roller blades, calling his friends ‘queers’ and laughing about it, female friends are comfortable letting him into the dressing room with them gay.
That’s why Mr. Santorum’s drink is that paragon of the working class American man – a Budweiser – with a whole lot of fruit secretly hidden on the inside, just trying to break out. Try one outside a highway rest stop after a clandestine sexual encounter with another man, preferably while sitting in the front seat of your car, crying, reading the Bible while holding a revolver with one bullet in it and trying to work up the courage. (Or, as Mr. Santorum explains it to his wife, “Thursday night bowling with the guys!”)
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
Three oz triple sec
Mix with Hamburger Helper
Now, you’re probably thinking, “That makes absolutely no sense! Why would something like that even exist?”
It exists for the same reason that in presidential elections, we’re actually casting votes for electors who, in turn, promise to vote for the candidate listed on the ballot, even though these electors technically can vote for whomever they want and only 24 states have laws on the books to prevent electors from casting their votes against what the people of their state actually want.
Yeah, it’s messed up and disgusting. Just like triple sec and Hamburger Helper. Bottoms up!
A fistful of OxyContin
Because Rush Limbaugh is a fat fuck who’s addicted to OxyContin. Yeah, kind of phoned this one in.
ANDERSON COOPER 360
A crapload of Bailey’s
A crapload of hot chocolate
Drink while wearing a Snuggie and watching AC360
This drink is warm, smooth, and intoxicating, just like Anderson Cooper’s eyes. You can practically feel him wrapping his arms around you and telling you everything’s going to be okay, can’t you?
Served in a glass you made yourself
Mr. Paul is inexplicably still involved in the presidential race, scraping together delegates and winning oddly shaped states like Nevada and Maine. In honor of his libertarian commitment to private enterprise, enjoy some hooch that you made yourself without any big government tampering or intervention, from a glass that you personally forged. (If you lack glassblowing skills, sipping out of your own cupped hands has a similar ‘by the bootstraps’ aesthetic.)
Six oz warm piss
Poured by one of the Koch brothers into a $750,000 diamond studded gold chalice that, per an obscure tax loophole, is technically a church, granting tax exempt status to the drinker
This beverage is reflective both of Mr. Romney’s charisma as well as his wealth and the lengths to which he’ll go to not give any of it to the government he’s hoping to run.
(Note: If questioned about the drink, Mr. Romney will swear up and down that it’s champagne and not piss. But it’s piss. I mean, who are you going to trust, me or him?)
Serve with a side of dog
Everybody’s got a different opinion on absinthe – some people love it, some people hate it, and some people have it in their heads that it’s a terrible, dangerous drink that’ll rot holes in your brain and make you go crazy, even though the only evidence for that is either false or based largely on conjecture.
Point is, people will think what they want to think about absinthe, facts be damned. Now, personally I’d take absinthe over warm piss any day, but there’s no accounting for taste.
Truman Capps obviously studied the important things in college.