Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in a rare moment of not having a heart attack.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is no stranger to heart problems – or, put more specifically, it’s a bizarre and alien experience for former Vice President Dick Cheney to not be sweating bullets and struggling to breathe. Six heart attacks isn’t just misfortune – it’s a way of life. For Dick Cheney, heart disease was a passion, but after 346 years of partisan politics, CIA black site administration, and nightly dinners of human souls washed down with orphan tears, his heart had taken all it could, and it was time for a change.
Four months ago, Cheney received a heart transplant where his blackened, General Grevious-style pulmonary artery was removed and trucked to an EPA Superfund dump site somewhere in Nevada, replaced with a healthy donor heart which reportedly began to smolder and blacken the moment it came into contact with the rusted pipes and copper wires that constitute the former vice president’s cardiovascular system.
In his first interview since the transplant, Cheney told ABC’s Jonathan Karl that while various privacy laws prevent him from knowing the identity of the anonymous donor, there are programs to help transplant recipients get in touch with the families of their donors, which Cheney has expressed an interest in.
“At some point I would be amenable to contact with the family,” Cheney said in the interview, conducted over a breakfast of live doves and single malt scotch. “The main thing I’d say is thank you. I can’t think of a more magnificent gift than to be given more years of life.”
In a spectacular coup, the investigative journalism wing here at Hair Guy Media LLC has discovered that the identity of Cheney’s heart donor was a 21-year-old Filipino man named Carlos Mendoza, who at the time of his death was living in San Francisco. We go now live to Manila for an interview with Mendoza’s mother, Pilar, conducted via translator.
Hair Guy: First of all, thank you, Pilar, for taking the time to meet with us. Our condolences for your son.
Pilar Mendoza: Thank you. We were all very upset about Carlos’ death, but sadly we were almost expecting it, what with his lifestyle.
PM: He was, how do you say, a bakla. I’m not sure how to put it lightly. What is the word you have in America for a man who has sex with other men?
HG: Your son, whose heart was given to Dick Cheney, was a homosexual?
PM: Oh my, yes. My, my, my, yes. Yes. Very homosexual. We didn’t approve, of course, but Carlos could be very pigheaded when he cared about something. And God forgive him, he truly did care about having sex with men. Frequently. Sometimes in public.
HG: This is something of a shocking revelation, given Mr. Cheney’s political stripe.
PM: Really? I don’t actually know much about the man. I never followed American politics very closely – even after Carlos moved there last year.
HG: Why did Carlos move to San Francisco?
PM: Oh, that was where his boyfriend lived. He was so desperate to be with him that he stowed away on a cargo ship to get to the United States.
HG: So you’re saying that Dick Cheney’s new heart came from a gay Filipino illegal immigrant?
PM: I suppose so, yes.
HG: Was Carlos in the process of applying for a green card, at least?
PM: Heavens, no! He loved receiving free government services financed by hardworking white American taxpayers. He was on welfare, food stamps, MEDICAID… He’d brag to me on the phone about it. “Mama, you would not believe all the great things the stupid Americans are giving me! At this rate I’ll never need to get a job!”
HG: So he actively delighted in taking advantage of the welfare state?
PM: It was ironic, too, because he was so active in the socialist party here in the Philippines. Whenever we weren’t bailing him out of jail for having homosexual intercourse in public, it was because he was always out demonstrating and protesting with fringe socialist groups. I mean, we’ve got universal healthcare here and everything, but even by our standards these guys were left wing nutjobs.
HG: So you’re saying Carlos was a socialist.
PM: Socialist, communist – you name it, he supported it. He actually founded a political party that was devoted entirely to taking away peoples’ guns and convincing unwed Christian mothers to have abortions. He even tried to start a Filipino version of NAMBLA, but it never panned out.
HG: So Carlos was pretty politically active. How did he die? Was it politically motivated?
PM: Not that I know of – it seemed like an innocent accident. The bustier was just too tight.
HG: Excuse us. Bustier?
PM: Oh, I forgot to mention – he was performing in a drag show when he died.
HG: Of course he was.
PM: They were doing a Pirates of the Caribbean theme, and in the end he was supposed to come out like Keira Knightley in this bustier, but the wardrobe people cinched it so tight that it… That his ribcage was… Crushed, and he couldn’t…
HG: It’s alright, Mrs. Mendoza. You don’t have to go on.
PM: I’m sorry. It still hurts. How many more lives have to be lost before drag show wardrobe designers understand that there are limits to how much boosting the male ribcage can withstand?
HG: Thank you for your time, Mrs. Mendoza. So, you heard it here first, folks: Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s new heart came to him by way of a flamboyantly gay socialist illegal immigrant Filipino drag queen who died in a tragic bustier accident while impersonating Keira Knightley. We can only imagine the forthcoming outpouring of gratefulness and compassion from the Cheney family. Before we go, Mrs. Mendoza, is there anything you’d like to add?
PM: I’m sure that Carlos is so happy that this was the outcome of his death. He must be delighted to be inside of one last man.
HG: Yeah, we’re cutting that in post.
Truman Capps would like to issue a retraction - in the above picture, we have learned that Vice President Cheney was, in fact, having a heart attack. Hair Guy regrets the error.