Christmas Vacation

Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that there've been about 50% fewer updates over the past two weeks. I'm back in Oregon for the holidays which is kind of a full-time job, so until I get back to LA and have time to write something, take a look at some pictures from my trip so far and pretend I still update as regularly as I did in 2009. 

I remember when Voodoo Doughnut was just a hole in the wall with a little sign instead of this sellout neon BULLSHIT. 
Art historians agree that this is the most important thing humans have done with stained glass
People currently undergoing cardiac arrest agree that this is the most important thing humans have done with doughnuts and bacon.  

The only thing more pathetic than a Myspace self-shot of a guy eating a doughnut is when the guy has his cousins get in the shot so he looks less pathetic while eating a doughnut.

Yo dawg, I heard you like Portland...

Bartenders: When I order an Old Fashioned, I want it to look more like Mad Men and less like Cougartown. This shit is embarrassing. Mostly for me. 

If you have a shitty camera on your phone, you don't even need Instagram to make your photos look bad! 

Canadian delicacy poutine - consisting of steak fries, gravy, and cheese curds - was created to truly milk their comprehensive healthcare system for every last penny. (Fun fact: I ate this 45 minutes after the bacon maple bar.) 

The Sharis in Salem where I spent every weekend between 10th and 12th grade just got a new sign! This is the biggest thing to happen to Salem since they invented crystal meth. 

     If you want to know what it was like growing up in Salem, just stare at this picture for 11 years. 

I can't believe you stooped this low, Futura. See if I ever use you on my business cards again. (jk I totally will.)

In a bathroom at Salem's largest downtown mall, there is a vending machine that sells temporary arm-band tattoos, which is lucky because the Hot Topic has a pretty strict dress code. 

Before leaving the mall I had to stop at the finest restaurant in Salem. 

If you're looking for white people, you've come to the right place. 

  Don't you - ba na na na na - forget about meeee! Don't don't don't don't... 
(This photograph brought to you by late night trespassing and half a bottle of Crown Royal Maple Reserve. Special thanks to My Main Bro Alexander for holding the bottle of Crown Royal Maple Reserve while I took this picture.) 

Even on vacation I never quit karma whoring.     

Truman Capps also has plenty of blurry pictures of the Portland skyline for nostalgia's sake, but who wants to see that?