Rick Santorum Is A Homosexual


FAAAAAAABULOUUUUSSSS

Rick Santorum, former Pennsylvania senator and full time douchewhale, is a homosexual. I’m not saying this to slander him, because at least as far as I’m concerned being homosexual isn’t anything to be ashamed of – I’m saying this because it’s a fact. Rick Santorum is a gay man. He is aggressively gay. He is gay with a force and intensity not previously thought possible by gay scientists. If homosexuality were a source of energy, Rick Santorum alone could free us of our dependence on foreign oil and keep the lights on in Portland for a year – two, if you give him a copy of a bodybuilding magazine.

I say this because I have known a number of gay people in my life, some more flamboyant than others, and not one of them has been as single-mindedly obsessed with gay people and gay sex as Rick Santorum is.

Rick Santorum knows he’s gay. He doesn’t want to know, mind you, but he’s well aware, deep within his spectacularly gay brain, that he’s sexually attracted to other men. And because that idea clashes with his beliefs and the environment in which he was raised, he’s repressed it, locking himself in a Fort Knox style closet to try and keep a lid on the roiling cauldron of rainbows, pink feathers, and Lady Gaga buried within his psyche.

Rick Santorum is equal parts frightened and fascinated by his own sexuality, but because he can’t discuss it openly, he does the next best thing and tries to subjugate and dehumanize gays as much as possible – because at least he’s talking about it, right?

When my mother was 7 years old, she had a crush on a boy in her class named Robbie Oscland, who dazzled her with his ability to belch the alphabet. She couldn’t think of any way to express her affection for him short of running up to him at recess every day and kicking him in the shin, which she did for several weeks until losing interest in him and embarking upon a path that would ultimately lead her to the somewhat questionable decision to marry my father.

It really hurts me to sully my mother’s good name by comparing her to as vile a piece of shit as Rick Santorum, but this is the best analogy I can think of – Mom couldn’t understand or express her feelings for Robbie, the boy who could belch so artfully, so she responded with a childish show of force, because at the very least it brought her into contact with him. Rick Santorum can’t understand or express his feelings for other men, so he responds by comparing gay marriage to bestiality, by alleging that children with parents in prison are better off than children with gay parents, and saying that unions between loving same sex couples are somehow going to erode the moral fabric of a nation where people aren’t ashamed of the fact that they watch reality TV.

There’s a precedent for this.

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was a big supporter of the Federal Marriage Amendment and an opponent of a bill that would’ve extended the federal definition of a hate crime to cover gay people. He was vocal in calling for openly gay Representative Barney Frank’s expulsion from Congress after news of his affair with a male prostitute broke. In 2007, Craig was arrested in a bathroom stall at Minneapolis International Airport for trying to solicit sex from an undercover cop.

Florida State Representative Bob Allen was a big supporter of Florida’s law preventing gay parents from adopting children, a political position that was complicated when he was arrested in a park bathroom for offering to perform oral sex on an undercover cop. Allen defended himself against allegations of homosexuality by pleading racism, arguing that he’d thought the muscular black cop was going to rob him and that a defensive blowjob was the only way he could get out of there alive.

Senator Strom Thurmond hated black people so much that he filibustered Congress for over 24 straight hours to try and stop the Civil Rights Act of 1957, and throughout the 1960s fought integration and the Civil Rights Movement at every turn, at one point saying, “ all the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, into our schools, our churches and our places of recreation and amusement.” After his death, it became public knowledge that at the age of 22 he’d fathered a child with his family’s 16-year-old African American housekeeper.

I’m not saying that all people who oppose gay rights are themselves closeted gays – I’m saying that people who spend so much of their life getting hot and bothered over the lifestyle choices of others might be getting hot and bothered because they’re a little jealous.

Rick Santorum won big in Missouri and Minnesota yesterday, proving that his form of Aw shucks! prejudice and hatred can still find an audience depending on how far away you are from the nearest ocean. On the one hand, this is great for Barack Obama, because the Republican Primary is now split between a super-rich megaliar with no charisma, a serial philanderer whose ethics violations forced his resignation from the House of Representatives, and Rick Santorum, a man who needs no introduction.

What worries me, though, is that until someone finds the treasure trove of gay porn hiding on his computer, Rick Santorum is the one candidate with the cleanest record, ethics wise, and by far the most charismatic. The Republican Primary is going to be a really dirty, no holds barred, all male three way, and I think that’s exactly the sort of situation where Rick Santorum can thrive.

And if he gets the Republican nomination? I’ve heard a lot of people say that he’s so divisive that Obama would clinch the election, but I’m not so confident about that. Santorum is divisive, yes, but so is Barack Obama – large quantities of voters believe he’s a Muslim, the Antichrist, or both, and it’s not a longshot to say that even Republicans who take issue with Santorum’s stance on some social issues might vote Santorum regardless because as far as they’re concerned he’s a better option than the alternative. I voted for Barack Obama even though he didn’t support gay marriage, and I’m going to vote for him again in spite of the fact that he’s been ordering prodigious numbers of Predator drone attacks against people who the CIA can’t even conclusively identify, because he’s a way better bet than any Republican now that Jon Huntsman out of the race.

I don’t think a vote for Santorum is a vote for Obama – I think a vote for Santorum is a vote for an LGBT White House, albeit a self-loathing one.

Truman Capps made it through yet another blog update without a joke about what happens when you Google the word ‘Santorum’.