Djesus, Calm Down

 If this were really a war on Christians, they'd win, because Djesus is a badass.

I know people who ask me, almost every time I see them, “Did you see Saturday Night Live this week?” And every time they ask me, I always say, “No – I don’t think Saturday Night Live is especially funny, and while I have a lot of respect for the cast I’m waiting for it to earn my viewership with stronger writing.” Unless the person asking me if I’ve seen Saturday Night Live is an attractive woman, in which case I say something like, “Oh my God, I missed it this week! I’m so bummed! How was it? Tell me in great detail and touch my arm a couple times maybe.”

I respect SNL’s pedigree and I think it’s been great in the past. I love Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute, the Wild and Crazy Guys, Toonces the Cat Who Can Drive (but not very well), Wayne’s World, virtually everything Will Ferrell and Mike Myers ever did,* Red Hooded Sweatshirt, The Barry Gibb Talk Show… And don’t even get me started on the Digital Shorts. (Jizz In My Pants! I’m On A Boat! Shy Ronnie! Shy Ronnie 2: Ronnie And Clyde!)

*Okay, seriously: Can we talk about Lothar of the Hill People?! I’m not saying it was a great sketch – as evidenced by its short run from 1989 to 1990 – but My Main Bro Alexander and I spent most of 8th grade quoting that shit. “But Grog, if there is a bad crop on the other side of the Earth you are vexed!” Comedy!

But in recent years – and even the less-recent ones before those – moments of brilliance are preceded by sketches that last four times as long as they should, full of characters and jokes that fall flat or just aren't funny to begin with. 

For fuck’s sake, What Up Wit’ Dat? is just a bunch of people dancing, and they do it basically every week! Another effeminate writer named Truman once said, “That’s not writing; that’s typing.” What Up Wit’ Dat? can’t even say that for itself! It’s not typing, it’s copy and pasting! KEENAN begins singing; all cast members dance.

So I thought Djesus UncrossedSNL’s recent fake movie trailer for a Tarantino revenge epic about a resurrected Jesus hunting down and violently murdering the Romans who crucified him – was surprising. It was edgy, it was original, it was relevant, it was funny, and above all it was over in two minutes.

There’s been a fair amount of backlash from more conservative elements of the Christian community over the piece, both because of its depiction of Jesus as a vengeful killer and its release just three days after Ash Wednesday – a reasonable criticism, because as we all know the First Amendment doesn’t apply during Lent.

Sean Hannity and other luminaries from the Christian Right have blasted the video for “bigotry” with the same fervor they used to condemn Chic-Fil-A and the Boy Scouts of America's bigotry for discriminating against… Wait, no, my bad, they totally supported Chic-Fil-A and the Boy Scouts’ anti-gay policies, because as we all know Galatians 3:28 doesn’t apply in cases of buttsex.

These commentators have pointed out that Saturday Night Live – and NBC in general – have never done anything to mock Muslims, and allege that the network has declared ‘War on Christians.' 

Conservatives, here’s a protip: If you don’t want people to think you’re warmongers, maybe quit inventing wars and declaring them on yourselves. Or at least follow our lead with the War on Women and only call a thing a war when it involves legislation, demonstrable income inequality, and foreign objects being inserted into vaginas against womens’ will, as opposed to some nerdy writers making jokes about your religion in a society founded on freedom of expression.

Do you want to hear a joke about Muslims? Okay, I’ll step up to the plate and tell a joke about Muslims. You ready? Here it goes:

Funny thing happened to me the other day – I’m down in the market with my friends and I meet this lady, and we’re hitting it off, so I take her back to my apartment. And as we’re going upstairs my buddies are all laughing at me, and at first I’m all, “Al-Hujurat 49:4, assholes!” But we get up there and she wants me to go all Al-Jathiya style on her, if you get my drift, and I’m like, “Hold your horses, lady. If you want me to go there, fine, but I’m big on Al-Mumtahina 60:10, and while you’re no believing woman refugee I still think I ought to examine you.” And she gets all mad, and I’m like, “Hey! Surat At-Tawbah 9:108! What, are you saying Allah DOESN’T loveth those who make themselves pure?”

 Wow, I think we’ve just found the one thing less funny than your garden variety Saturday Night Live episode.

You know why the media makes jokes about Christians? Because – as fundamentalist Christians are so quick to remind us whenever they want a 21st century democracy to adopt discriminatory and out of touch laws based on a 2000 year old book – America is a Christian nation. Christianity is the dominant religion in America, and Saturday Night Live is a show that lampoons American culture. Making jokes about a religion that the majority of Americans have little to no understanding of is bad comedy, even by SNL standards.

Furthermore, if you quit being butthurt long enough to actually watch the piece you’d see that Djesus Uncrossed isn’t a joke about Christians. It’s a joke about Tarantino’s decision to make an exploitation revenge epic about a complex and controversial time period and America’s embrace of the film in spite of that. Controversy is the joke.

You want to know another reason comedians make fun of you, Christians? Because historically, fundamentalist Christians can take a joke way better than fundamentalist Muslims. Reactionary hardline Christians generally don’t riot or call for the murder of comedians who joke about their religion – they save most of their murder and domestic terrorism for abortion doctors.

The American liberal media isn’t trying to alienate you, Christians. They’re so comfortable with you as a part of our society that they know you can stand some light ribbing – as evidenced by the fact that the vast majority of Christians thought that Christoph Waltz wearing a crown of thorns and walking on water while shooting people is the best thing this side of Barry Gibb.

Truman Capps wants to start putting a silent D in front of every dword.