Hair Guy Sports: Inside Oregon's Football Performance Center

After eight years, the University of Oregon Athletic Department has finally unveiled the Hatfield Dowlin Football Performance Center – the brand new headquarters for the school’s powerhouse football program. With the help of a number of wealthy donors including Nike’s Phil Knight, the Athletic Department spared no expense in the creation of a state of the art, next generation nerve center for the #3 ranked Oregon Ducks. There’s been a lot of hype about the building’s futuristic, extravagant features, and here at Hair Guy Sports we’ve got the inside scoop on the Ducks’ new nest. 

*The lobby features glassed in cases that show off both the wide variety of trophies won by the Oregon football program as well as a number of mannequins modeling every Oregon football uniform dating back to 1894. A separate ‘ring room’ uses LED lighting and 3D sound to create a multimedia experience around displays showcasing Oregon’s various bowl and championship rings. 

*In the facility's skybridge is a flock of hanging fiberglass ducks, each of which bears the name of an Oregon player who has gone on to the NFL. 

*Oregon’s new locker room has state-of-the-art lockers with keypad access and special ventilation systems to whisk away unpleasant odors.

*At the touch of a button, the hydrotherapy pool in the locker room can be filled with plain water, water treated with Epsom salts, or Dom Perignon champagne. 

*Mirrors in the coaches’ locker rooms have televisions embedded inside them. 

*The facility boasts a “War Room” with seating for 22, six 80-inch monitors, and black magnetic walls that are writable/erasable. 

*Floors in the Ducks’ new two-story weight room are made from imported Brazilian Ipe wood, while counters in the locker room are made from imported Italian marble. This design strategy was intended to make players feel more at home, seeing as many of them have been imported from California to play for the Ducks. 

*The waiting room in the on-site barber shop boasts not one but two lounge chairs from Milan, custom built for the Ducks based on ancient sketches for a sedia di lusso supremo (“supreme luxury chair”) by Leonardo da Vinci.

*Above the door leading into the locker room is a 15 foot tall yellow-on-black sign bearing the traditional motto of the Oregon football program: “WIN THE DAY.”

*Above the door leading out of the locker room is a 25 foot tall neon red sign bearing the program’s recently adopted alternative motto, “DON’T CHOKE ANYBODY OR SMOKE WEED OR DRIVE OVER THE SPEED LIMIT WITHOUT A LICENSE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.”

*The roof of the facility is adorned with a 1.5 kilometer tall statue of Dennis Dixon in the middle of his signature 2007 fake Statue of Liberty against Michigan. Upon closer inspection by helicopter (chopper tours depart hourly from the adjacent Don Essig Heliport; tickets are $15.99), visitors will notice that the football clutched behind Dixon’s back is actually made of several hundred smaller statues of Mike Belotti.

*The cafeteria menu features a delicious options designed by a team of sports nutritionists and le cordon bleu chefs, such as baboon adrenal gland wellington and bull testicle nuggets. See that platinum-cased soda fountain in the corner? Help yourself to as many free refills of leopard blood as you want! 

*Directly behind the facility is a $2.4 billion satellite array that beams the final score of Oregon’s 2009 Halloween home game against USC into deep space 24 hours a day, “…so the universe knows how we do things in the Pac-12,” according to official literature. The message, which is delivered via morse code and reads D-U-C-K-S-4-7-U-S-C-2-0, is expected to reach Alpha Centuri in roughly 200 years. 

*Live beavers have been released in the building, and visitors are encouraged to tear the heads off of as many as possible to be entered into a raffle to win retired Oregon uniform pieces.

*Raffle prizes include the custom Nike spandex bowties from the 2010 season and the fiberglass practice sombreros that caused so much controversy last year.

*The facility boasts several dozen meeting rooms of varying sizes to suit every conceivable need – the largest, at approximately 40,000 square miles, contains seating for 55 million, 280,000 400-inch plasmascreen TVs, 76 scoreboards, and Portugal.  

*Urinals in the men’s room are shaped like Boise State running back Byron Hout’s mouth – mid punch.

*The facility sports an impressive three-story parking garage out back, which features both horizontal and angled parking space options. 

*Athletics has hired three different Chip Kelly impersonators whose job it is to wander the halls nodding briskly at people and saying encouraging things like, “Don’t be a second half team; be a four quarter team!” or “It was all a dream – I’m not actually coaching for the Eagles!” to build morale.

*Thanks to an enormous investment in piping and a little illegal late-night excavation, every toilet in the facility flushes straight to the office of head coach Steve Sarkisian at the University of Washington, some 280 miles away. (Coach Sarkisian could not be reached for comment, although a spokesman for the Washington athletic department did indicate that the coach was “disappointed” with this development.)

As of press time, the University of Oregon had changed its motto from, “Minds Move Mountains” to “No But Seriously, There’s A College Here Too!”

Truman Capps doesn’t give a shit what the football facility looks like so long as the team plays well.