Hair Guy News: Latest Details on Republican Demands in Budget Fight

Senator Ted Cruz, leader of the Obamacare opposition. 4.5 million Texans thought this man was deserving of federal office.


WASHINGTON D.C. – The clock is ticking as the Democrat-controlled Senate and Republican-controlled House struggle to agree on a budget before the Monday night deadline that will trigger the first shutdown of the federal government in nearly 20 years. At press time, with just over 24 hours to go until the shutdown, House Republicans had several new concessions they expected Democrats to make before they would pass a budget.

In addition to demanding the delay and defunding of the president’s healthcare law, Republicans are now seeking a variety of additional compromises from the Democrats, including new restrictions on birth control and abortion, the repeal of a number of environmental regulations, and an act of Congress compelling People Magazine to officially name Paul Ryan as 2013’s Sexiest Man Alive.

“It’s a really exciting time,” said Representative Darrel Issa (R – CA), chairman of the powerful House Oversight Committee and one of the rallying voices against Obamacare. “Remember that scene in Point Break where Keanu and Swayze both jump out of the plane, and Keanu is pointing a gun at Swayze but Swayze has the only parachute, and Swayze refuses to open the parachute until Keanu drops the gun?

“We’re doing that right now. We’re Swayze, and Harry Reid is Keanu, and the gun is Obamacare, and the parachute is the budget, and the ground rushing towards us is economic catastrophe.” Issa took a moment to sit back and catch his breath, mopping his brow with a handkerchief. “Sure, this will jeopardize America’s recovery, but I’m worth like half a billion dollars, so I’m not sweating it.”

When pressed on whether the GOP’s demands were unrealistic, several representatives bristled.

“Unrealistic?” asked Rep. Louie Gohmert (R – TX) as he produced the GOP’s list of demands and showed it to reporters. “What on here is unrealistic? Defunding the EPA, removing evolution from textbooks, mandating that all ATF agents wear pink tutus, tax credits for people who use racial slurs on Twitter, a resolution allowing the Koch brothers to legally kill people… Everything on here is common-sense stuff that’s necessary in a functioning democracy, and honestly I’m disgusted that the Democrats are trying to spin this as anything else.”

Rep. Steve King (R – IA) tried to strike a more conciliatory tone. “I’ve heard a couple people ask that question, and I think it’s because of the Statue of Liberty thing. What happened here was the liberal media got ahold of one piece of out-of-context information and ran with it, so let me set you straight:

“We’re not demanding that the government destroy the Statue of Liberty. That would be crazy! We just want it relocated, so we can use Liberty Island as the site of our 40-story nude statue of Ronald Reagan. That’s it!

“Plus, look at this.” King flipped through the list of demands and pointed to a subsection on page 389. “See? We explicitly demand that a Patriot missile battery be installed on the tip of Regan’s penis – which, naturally, will be fully erect – so the statue is both an instrument of national security and a monument to the principles of free enterprise!”

Wisconsin Republican and former vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan further elaborated on the Reagan statue in his own interview.

“The statue of President Reagan – who will henceforth be referred to as God-Emperor Reagan per demand number 1,087 on our list – will be paid for entirely through offsets from the defunding of NASA, the Centers for Disease Control, the FDA, the Department of Education, and the Veterans Administration.

“This may sound far fetched, but trust me – it’s way more feasible than providing affordable healthcare in the richest country on the planet.”

At this point Mr. Ryan removed his blazer and shirt and began flexing his biceps while making several puns about gun rights.

Outspoken Tea Party Republican Michele Bachmann further clarified some of the GOP demands at a press conference at her office on Sunday morning, saying “Rasch kabrach bom blanitch, skir nobiritas sharia law flagerinon bargenson!”

“Flerg gerginson,” Bachmann elaborated. “Zakimag nungleturb googieplast Benghazi skuttertime puppledom sook.”

There was no Q&A after the press conference, although Congresswoman Bachmann made several more statements about gay marriage and the United Nations as her handlers tranquilized her and returned her to her cage.

Perhaps the cogent analysis of the Republican Party’s motives in the runup to the shutdown came from Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who in the past week has rallied Republicans from both houses of Congress against Obamacare and on Thursday spoke for 21 hours in opposition to any budget allowing the healthcare law to go into effect.

“Look, this isn’t about about the list of demands.” Cruz said, gesturing out the window at a dump truck in the Capitol parking lot that contains the entirety of the Republicans’ 198,571 page long list. “For me, it’s more personal than that.

“Let me tell you a story. Summer before I graduated from Harvard I was back in Texas, clerking at a friend’s law firm. So one night I’m driving back to Houston from a deposition in Waco and I see a hitchhiker along the road, and I pull over to pick him up.

“He was just a kid – younger than me – who had graduated high school and was hitching his way around the country. He said to me, ‘I believe in America. I love this country, and I want to see it up close so I can get to know it. And maybe one day I can run for office and try to use what I’ve learned to make us as great as we used to be.’

“He was so busy talking about America that he didn’t even notice we’d turned down a dirt side road until I pulled out my gun. So I made him handcuff himself to the fencepost, just like I did with all the others, but as I was bludgeoning his skull in with a piece of rebar I just kind of looked at what I was doing and thought, ‘Come on, Ted. You’re better than this.’

“I realized that my life had been stagnant ever since I’d quit killing stray dogs and moved up to hitchhikers and runaways. I’d plateaued. This kid had more ambition than anybody else I’d ever murdered. So, after I cut off his head and hands to prevent identification and dumped his body down a well, I started seriously thinking about running for office.

“So look at me now! The entire United States government is about to shut down due in no small part to my own ego, and in a couple of weeks I guarantee you we’ll default on our debts, which will throw the entire world economy into chaos.

“My name is Ted Cruz, and I am two weeks away from literally killing capitalism.”

Truman Capps thinks season 2 of House of Cards is going to be a letdown compared to the actual shenanigans the government is pulling.