On Tuesday the White House announced that in spite of technical issues with the website, strong political opposition, and low public opinion of the law, 7.1 million Americans signed up for healthcare coverage through the Affordable Care Act, miraculously hitting the enrollment goal the Congressional Budget Office first set last March. Yesterday, after the announcement of these numbers, a visibly triumphant President Obama held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden.
[Note: By personal request, the President’s entrance music for this conference was changed from ‘Hail To The Chief’ to a rendition of DMX’s ‘Ruff Ryders Anthem’ performed by Vice President Joe Biden.]
OBAMA: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Hey, show some love to Joey B! How about that intro?
So, how’s everybody doing today?
I said, how y’all motherfuckers doing today?
[Stronger applause; POTUS retrieves can of what appears to be 4 Loko Watermelon from underneath the podium and opens it.]
Yeah. That’s more like it. Well, ah, I’m doing pretty good too. Because today, I’m pleased to announce that 7.1 million people have signed up for the Affordable Care Act!
BIDEN: Say what?
OBAMA: 7.1 million!
BIDEN: With a capital M, bitches!
OBAMA: Now, if that ‘7 million’ figure sounds familiar to you, ah, it’s probably because that’s the number of people we said we were going to sign up for healthcare over a year ago. As in, back before we knew the website was apparently being built by Amish 7th graders. As in, back before that whole ‘If you like your plan you can keep it’ thing didn’t pan out. As in, back before a bunch of people who, ah, keep wrinkled, sticky pictures of Ayn Rand hidden under their mattresses shut down the government to try and stop this law. And yet, here we are today. 7.1 million.
BIDEN: 7.1 million! What’chu all know about numbers?
OBAMA: Now, let me be clear: We thought we’d be able to get seven million signups in six months. Then the website shit the bed for two months, so we started walking that number back to 5 or 6 million signups. I mean, that was the smart thing to do - we got a late start signing people up and the website and the cancelled plans made people hate this law even more than they already did. Even three weeks ago you would’ve had to be crazy to think seven million people would’ve signed up for this thing.
BIDEN: I literally have no idea how we pulled this off.
OBAMA: Right? Yeah. This one was, ah… This one was kind of a freebie. I don’t know if it was that Between Two Ferns thing that put us over the top, but if so, this administration owes a debt of gratitude to college-aged stoners everywhere.
BIDEN: You see this tie? Made out of hemp.
OBAMA: Y’know, so long as we’re thanking people, I feel like there’s some other people I should probably recognize right now.
BIDEN: Uh oh. Uh oh. Look out!
OBAMA: Koch Brothers, I want to thank you for spending hundreds of millions of dollars trying to get people to not sign up for health insurance. Just like when you spent hundreds of millions of dollars trying to get people to not vote for me, you failed. Seems like whenever you guys spend against me, I get exactly what I want - so how about you start buying commercials that tell local Mexican restaurants not to give me free guacamole?
BIDEN: Heads up, America: Today, everybody who tweets a picture of themselves burning a copy of Atlas Shrugged gets a $2.23 tax credit to go buy a frosty tall boy of Hamm’s.
OBAMA: Sarah Palin, y’know, somehow, in spite of all your Facebook status updates about tyranny and death panels, I’m still the president, and 7.1 million people signed up for my law.
BIDEN: Hey Sarah. You know what I have hanging in my office - the one that could’ve been yours? It’s a huge oil on canvas painting I had commissioned of me rubbing my bare ass on the entire state of Alaska.
OBAMA: I want to give a shout out to my friends John Boehner and Mitch McConnell. You know, for the past six years you guys have made it your singular goal to obstruct me and derail my healthcare law. And, y’know, having been reelected, and having seen 7.1 million people sign up for the ACA, I just have to say thank you, guys. Thank you for being so bad at what you’re trying to do. Seriously, I appreciate it. Because don’t get me wrong - I know this law kind of sucks. And not only does this law kind of suck, ah, our implementation of it has really sucked. I mean, for years I told the country that if they liked their plan, they could keep it. Turns out I was full of shit, and still 7 million people lined up to put their lives in my hands.
I mean, John, Mitch, I am sorry. That’s got to hurt. Everyday Americans are now more willing to trust a black guy with a funny name who already lied to them once instead of two cranky old white guys. I mean, you’re like- Joe, on the Muppets, who were those two old guys in the balcony?
BIDEN: Statler and Waldorf.
OBAMA: Obamacare is The Muppet Show and you two are Statler and Waldorf. And you’re up there, ah, and you’re making fun of the show, but you know who doesn’t care? The 7.1 million people who showed up to watch The Muppet Show, even though Kermit was slightly misleading about ticket prices.
BIDEN: Are you HEARING these analogies, America!?
OBAMA: Now look, folks. This law isn’t great. Some peoples’ premiums are going up, some peoples’ plans are getting cancelled. Healthcare in this country is still a shit sandwich. But because of the ACA, now that shit sandwich is smaller. It’s gone from a footlong shit sandwich to a six inch.
BIDEN: A smaller shit sandwich is always better than a bigger one. Because that way, you eat less shit.
OBAMA: 7.1 million people are eating less shit right now than they would have been without me. Count it, America.
[POTUS rips mic off lectern, holds it out, drops it on the lawn. Entrance music resumes as he and VPOTUS exit.]
OBAMA AND BIDEN: [Singing] STOP - DROP - SHUT ‘EM DOWN, OPEN UP SHOP
OH - NO - THAT’S HOW RUFF RYDERS ROLL…
Truman Capps is going to lose his White House press credentials over this.