DENVER, CO – 27-year-old social media consultant and white man Robby Stockton announced early Tuesday that he would be reluctant to support Hillary Clinton in the general election if she beats Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary. “Hillary against Trump? I mean, what’s the difference at that point? They’re both rich, corrupt liars who only care about helping other millionaires and billionaires,” Stockton said, secure in the knowledge that he will never need to get an abortion.
“Just look at Hillary’s record. All those big speeches she gave at Wall Street banks, the FBI investigation, that thing she said about “superpredators” in the 1990s... She’s just as bad as he is,” Stockton explained, using the same strident tones Donald Trump once used in a full-page newspaper ad calling for the execution of five black teenagers wrongfully accused of rape. “Maybe even worse.”
Stockton went on to cast doubt on Hillary’s progressive credentials. “She doesn’t want Medicare for all, she doesn’t want to make state college free, she supported Barry Goldwater in high school, and she was against gay marriage up until a couple years ago! Michelle and I don’t even think she’s a real liberal,” he said, referring to his wife, Michelle Peterson, whose union with him will not be threatened by Mr. Trump’s plan to appoint a conservative Supreme Court justice to overturn the ruling that legalized gay marriage.
“Say what you will about Trump, but at least he’d shake things up. This system is broken and everybody knows it, but nothing gets fixed because we keep electing establishment shills like Hillary.” Stockton paused to check a text message he’d just gotten from his uncle, Carl Stockon – who is not one of the 1.6 billion Muslims Mr. Trump has pledged to place on watch lists or ban from entering the country. “I’m sick of voting for the lesser of two evils and watching them just uphold the status quo.”
Ultimately, when pressed to choose between Trump – who, if elected, plans to violate the Geneva Convention by ordering the military to intentionally target women and children related to terrorists – and Hillary, Mr. Stockton was noncommittal. “If Hillary winds up stealing the nomination from Bernie, I probably won’t even vote in November. If she wins, it won’t be with my help – and if Trump wins, well, at least something will change, right?”
With this, Mr. Stockton concluded the interview and left to return to his apartment – which, thanks to its location, is not directly threatened by the rising sea levels that Donald Trump does not believe in.