Turning The Other Cheek
How could I post a picture like this if I didn't support the troops and love America?
I’ve been seeing this fucking story on the Internet for the past six years and I think it’s about time we talked about it:
A MARINE was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God; I’m still waiting.”
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the MARINE and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The MARINE calmly replied, “God was too busy today taking care of America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.”
I’m an atheist and an ACLU supporter, my best friend is in the Army, I support the crap out of our troops and love my country beyond reason. This kind of shit pisses me off. Let’s dissect the story bit by bit.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
I hate that this is like the part in the horror movie where they realize that the phone call is coming from inside the house! The fact that this professor doesn’t believe in God and is a member of the organization that fights for the Constitutional rights of all Americans immediately translates into him being a moustache twirling villain, holding these poor students in his viselike secular grip and forcing them to listen to NPR.
One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God; I’m still waiting.”
What the hell kind of class is this, anyway? I had a fair number of professors at the University of Oregon who probably would’ve openly challenged the existence of God if they’d had a couple of Rennie’s Lemonades before class and were feeling sassy, but I didn’t have any professors who would’ve been willing to blow 15 minutes of class time staring at the ceiling just to prove a point.* Either the evil atheist professor in this story just got tenure and wants to test the limits or he was hoping to cover for the fact that he hadn’t prepared enough material to last through the entire class.
*I did have one professor who spent large portions of every class staring silently into space, sometimes midsentence, but he was actually brain damaged as a result of a bicycle accident, and nobody ever tried to punch him.
Also, if anybody at the University of Oregon did state that they were going to stand perfectly still and wait 15 minutes for God to punch them, I guarantee you that 75% of the class would’ve left, and the rest of them would’ve been texting and checking ESPN on their laptops the entire time.
I mean, why are these students so utterly transfixed by a dude standing on a podium asking God to punch him? What is this, the fucking Dark Ages? These students can’t think of anything more entertaining than watching a guy yell at the ceiling? The Christians in the class know that God isn’t going to offer any conclusive proof of his existence no matter how hard the professor begs, because my understanding is that that’s kind of God’s deal, so why watch? The atheists in the class know that God doesn’t exist, so why bother sitting around waiting for nothing when they could cut class early and get back to work fighting the War on Christmas and practicing their abortion tactics?
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the MARINE got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The MARINE went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
Not to take anything away from the Marine here, but this professor doesn’t strike me as the most worthy or fearsome opponent. Admittedly the story is fairly vague, but from the sound of things the professor stood still without moving while an imposing, muscled figure walked up and attacked him. He’s either stupid, blind, or trying to make a statement about passive resistance.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
Did these students drink a quart of Robitussin before class or something? So far all they’ve done in this story is sit in shocked silence without moving or saying a word. Right now they just watched a cut and dried case of assault and none of them so much as make a commotion, let alone try to leave or call the cops.
Now, if this Marine were active duty at the time he’d be in uniform, so maybe the argument is that the students respect the right of members of our armed forces to punch people with impunity. If it were me, though, I’d be pretty freaked out if anybody punched one of my professors, uniformed Marine or not – that said, I’m a Subaru driving gay rights supporting abortion loving Obama voting evil atheist, so I guess I’m pretty out of touch with what real Americans do and think.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the MARINE and asked, “What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
So the entire class sits there, watching this unconscious man who may or may not have a concussion, and just waits for him to come to? Nobody does anything to help him? Man, if only there was some sort of really old book that outlined a number of moral imperatives directing people to help one another…
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ Matthew 25:35-40
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
Well, okay, maybe that applies to everybody except those vile, stinky atheists.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28
Hmm. Let’s just move on.
The MARINE calmly replied, “God was too busy today taking care of America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.”
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. … Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. … Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Beatitudes 5, 7, 9
You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew 5:38-42
America’s soldiers put their lives on the line every day protecting our First Amendment rights to free speech and freedom of religion, and the Marine in this story is doing a grave disservice to his brothers in arms’ sacrifice when he punches someone in the face for saying something that he personally disagrees with. That’s not freedom of speech; that’s censorship.
The Taliban used force on people who said things they didn’t agree with, as did Saddam Hussein – if the Marine in this story had really fought in both of those countries to liberate oppressed people from governments and religious fanatics who sought to silence dissenting viewpoints, why is he using those same tactics in the country he defended?
Religious faith is a beautiful thing that brings people together, forms loving and accepting communities, and provides for the poor and underprivileged. Fundamentalism is what makes people start holy wars, kill abortion doctors, and fly planes into buildings. It’s the notion that if you’re not one of us, you’re one of our enemies. Fundamentalism starts with stories like this one.
This story says that people who don’t believe in God are un-American rabble rousers who are only tolerated because the Constitution says so. It’s bigoted, ignorant, and I find it highly offensive – and I hope that a lot of Christians do too. I love my country and the soldiers who fight for it, many of whom are also atheists. My lack of faith in no way makes me less of an American or less of a good person.
I’d ask that if you’re a Christian and you encounter this story that you not pass it along – but then again, our military is out there fighting to protect your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole, so if you want to, I guess you should go ahead. I’ll be right here, turning the other cheek.
Truman Capps gets that this isn't a true story - even fiction can be offensive.