Eastwood Variations

Well, uh – thank you, thank you – I, uh… I’m sure you’re all wondering, I mean, “What’s the president doing out here in Gettysburg, like, right after the battle?” Because, you know, there’s even still some dead guys out over there that you can see, if you look. I don’t know who’s, uh, who’s going to be cleaning those up, am I right, folks?

[Hold for applause]

So, anyway, I’ve got Jefferson Davis sitting here, and he’s – I was going to ask him a couple questions. But – you know about – I remember, uh, it was forescore and seven years ago that we got this whole, you know, that we started America, and now you’re out here and you’re just, uh, with the Civil War.

So, uh, Mr. President of the Confederacy, what do you say to people? Do you just – you know – I know – people were wondering – I mean, about your radical interpretation of states’ rights? Because that’s not really… If you read the Constitution, you’ll see some… All Men Are Created Equal, you know, is what I thought this country was about.

What’s that? What did you say?

Well, I like my hat just fine, thank you very much. You know who else liked my hat? Your mom, last night!

[Grab crotch]

No, Britain, it’s my turn to talk. You’re crazy. You’re as bad as Ireland.

[Hold for laughs]

So I was saying, I think that, you know, in the history of, uh, the world, there’s just… Well, there hasn’t been a struggle as totally democratic as this one, that we’re, you know, the fight we’re doing right here. I think it’s maybe time – what do you think – for maybe Indian people to run India.

And I think it’s that time. And I think if you just step aside, Britain, and India can kind of take over. You can maybe still use one of our elephants. A small one. Not that big grass guzzler you’ve been using to go around, uh, trying to get us into World War II and stuff.

What? Oh, you’re hungry?

[Hold for more laughs]

So I – so I’ve got some Jewish folks here…

So, uh, Sinners, what do you, uh, think that you’re going to say to God, when he’s got you there? In, you know, in Hell. Because he’s angry. I mean, you guys are going to be sinners in the hands of an angry God, and that’s – I thought – you know.

But you thought sinning was okay. You know, I mean – you thought that was something worth doing. You didn’t check with Catholics to see how sinning has been working out for them. I mean, most of them, you know, they’ve been in Hell for ten years. Or eternity.

Of course, we all know Pope Benedict XIV is the intellect of the Catholic Church.

[Hold for laughter]

Kind of a grin with a body behind it. I’ve got to hand it to him, I have to give credit where credit is due – I’m digging on the hat.

I, uh, I’ve just got one thing that – I’ve been thinking, you know – I want to say this, to, uh, to America, and, you know, listen up, fellas: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. And, uh, I’ve got Miss Lewinsky here to answer, uh, to answer some questions, and…

What? Well, I can’t do that to myself. If I could, you know, you and I wouldn’t be in this mess.

[Hold for laughs]

So anyway, we’re going to have – yes, you and me, Mr. Gorbachev – we’re going to have a little chat about this wall. And then, I just wondered, what do you say to people when they – you know, when they come up to you and they ask about the wall? And why you’re not tearing it down? Or, you know, you could open… There’s the gate here. You could open this gate. Or you could tear down the wall.

You won’t tear down this wall. But you think the war in Afghanistan is okay. You know, I mean – you think it’s something worth doing. You didn’t check with the British and see how they did it.

Because, you know, quitting, it’s never… I’m not one. I’m not one of them. But America wants me to, and, you know, I think there’s so much to be done, and I think that Vice President Ford is a good guy that can come along. I would just, you know, I would like to say something, ladies and gentlemen, that I think is very important. It is that I am not a-

What was that, Bernstein? Don’t you start. You’re getting as bad as Woodward.

You know what, Bernstein? I’m gonna quote, uh, I’m gonna quote a man you might have heard of, he was – they called him Abraham Lincoln, when I say that your mom and I, well, we did a little breaking and entering in a hotel last night too.

[Grab crotch]

But I think it is important that you realize, that you’re the best in the world. Whether you’re meek or hungry or a peacemaker or whatever, you are the best. And we should not ever forget that. Okay, just remember that. And I’m speaking to everybody out here. It doesn’t hurt. We don’t have to be…

What?

I do not say that word anymore. Well, maybe one last time.

Alright: I start it, you finish it.

THIS IS MY BODY…

[Audience: THIS IS MY BLOOD!]

[Grab crotch]

Truman Capps is legitimately scared that Clint Eastwood will see this and not be amused.