I Cannot Wait To See The Golden Compass

I think God is going to be okay, death threats notwithstanding. I mean, he's got his bodyguards here, plus, he's God.

I really don't like fantasy. I saw all the Lord of the Rings movies and I recognized that they were obviously excellent films, but fantasy just isn't my cup of tea. I can't really say why, but magic and wizards don't do it for me - hell, I haven't even read past the fifth Harry Potter book! I'm a 100% science fiction lover, which would probably explain why I'm sitting alone in my room on a Friday night. All that being said, I'm going to go watch The Golden Compass soon.

I don't know what this movie is about - element number 79 perhaps, or the occasional navigational implement. The poster has a picture of somebody riding an armored polar bear, which brings to mind bear cavalry (as certain a weapon of mass destruction as any cache of Anthrax), which I suppose is okay. I hear the movie is based on some sort of book that a lot of girls I know have read, much in the same way that Eragon was based on some sort of book that a lot of girls I know have read. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about the movie. I probably won't like it that much, based on the fact that I genuinely don't like fantasy. I'm going to watch it because apparently it's atheist propaganda, and having never seen any before I'm eager to get all fired up about not believing in God.

All over Facebook and the world at large, people are pledging not to see this movie because the author is an atheist and because he apparently once said "I want to kill God." Now, as an 18 year veteran of atheism (I'm 19, but I went through a year long Buddhism kick in 7th grade) I can tell you that any so called atheist who wants to kill God is not, in fact, an atheist. An atheist trying to kill God is about as absurd as me trying to kill The Fonz, because I don’t know how to kill somebody that I personally believe doesn’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there’s a contingent of die hard Happy Days fans out there who diligently worship The Fonz and are certain that, in some corner of Wisconsin, he still stands vigil by a jukebox with a girl on each arm, but as I myself don’t believe he exists I don’t see how I could kill him. It’s a fruitless effort! By not believing in his existence, I’ve dealt The Fonz the greatest blow I possibly could, and killing him after the fact is really a moot point (and, as I’ve already mentioned, totally impossible). So my first message to the Christians who want to boycott The Golden Compass because of its atheistic propaganda is that they’re not boycotting the work of an atheist, they’re boycotting the work of a self loathing Christian or a severely mixed up agnostic.

My second message to the Christians who insist on boycotting this movie is that they should stop acting persecuted. I’d get it if this were Rome sometime before the early 300s, but it’s not. It’s America, where the Senate, Supreme Court, and Executive Branch are made up entirely of God fearing Christians; the country where children of all (or no) religions are forced to pledge their allegiance “under God” and courtroom proceedings only take place after individuals have sworn to tell the truth with their hand on a Bible (“so help you God”, might I add). For the record, you’re not the marginalized ones! The film industry is all about money. Now, do you honestly think that a successful production company such as New Line Cinema would spend a near-record $180 million to release a piece of atheist propaganda in a country where 78% of the population is Christian? Believe it or not, folks, in order to sufficiently recoup their losses on a movie, studios tend to greenlight projects that a great number of people will want to go see. I saw Charlie’s Angels, and so did a lot of other people, and it wasn’t because of particularly good scripting or acting, it was because sometimes I like to pretend that Lucy Liu is my girlfriend! Likewise, New Line Cinema wouldn’t spend a fortune filming and promoting a movie that pandered only to the 900,000 atheists in this country! It’s simple business, you idiots! Atheists didn’t boycott The Chronicles of Narnia for its blatant Christian overtones, so don’t get your Little House On The Prairie style bloomers in a knot over a movie that you think a work of propaganda just because it was written by an atheist wannabe whose primary mission in life is to “kill God”!

So that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm going to go see The Golden Compass. I'm boycotting this clusterfuck of assumed religious morality that only wishes it were a boycott. Maybe I'll see it twice.

Truman Capps is going against form at the moment: normally, he doesn’t make angry posts about religion or blog more than once a week, but this is what happens when you make him angry.