25 Things


See #4.


1) When at first people started doing these things, I laughed it off as one of the many social trends I don’t subscribe to, like emoticons or bathing. But I’ve been sincerely surprised at how many of these lists have sprung up on Facebook – it’s like the formulaic, list based bubonic plague. Hell, even Mike goddamn Whitman did one, and if ever there was someone who didn’t subscribe to social trends (especially bathing), it’d be that guy. But I’m not doing this out of peer pressure, no – I’m doing this because it’s incredibly easy. Writing a thousand words on any one topic is tough when your brain bounces around as much as mine, so when bulleted lists suddenly become popular in the blogosphere it’s like Christmas meets Hanukah meets the day that they do free Grand Slam Breakfasts at Denny’s.

So, uh… That’s number one.

2) I’ve never shaved with a straight razor. When I was reaching shaving age, my Mom bought my Dad an electric razor that had been in a James Bond movie, and Dad didn’t like it very much, so he gave it to me, and ever since I’ve been using it to shave all six facial hairs I am capable of growing. This is by far the classiest element of my life.

3) The male celebrities I would like to hang out with the most are Neil Patrick Harris, Bruce Campbell, Matt Damon, George Clooney, and Seth Rogen. In that order.

4) The male celebrities that would like to hang out with me the most are probably Carrot Top and that guy from the ShamWow commercials (but only if I promised to buy a ShamWow afterwards).

5) You know Sex and the City? I fucking hate that show. I feel like the most interesting stories are about misfits and losers who have some sort of strife to overcome, and yet year after year millions of lonely housewives and 15 year old girls would flock to a show about rich, skinny white women that reinforces the notion that the only way to be successful is to buy and screw everything. Arrested Development, which is also about rich white people, gets a pass because it isn’t an hour long Gucci ad.

6) Otters are arguably the greatest animal ever, because they just do not care. They’re like beavers, only instead of building dams they just sort of swim around and eat. If animals could smoke pot, otters would be hotboxing the bejeezus out of various marshes and wetlands.

7) I’d probably put throwing up on my list of least favorite things in the world, right next to “listening to Sarah Palin.” One usually leads to the other, interestingly enough.

8) People always give me crap because I say “for God’s sake” or “God damn it” despite the fact that I don’t believe in God. Yet I’ve heard those same people say “I want a new phone this Christmas – maybe Santa will get me one?”

9) I’m a big fan of chipotle. It’s like ketchup’s badass Mexican uncle who buys you illegal fireworks for your birthday and tells you dirty jokes when nobody’s looking. I’d put it on ice cream.

10) What I meant about the whole Santa thing back in #8 was that people still make passing reference to Santa despite not acknowledging his existence because he’s a major cultural figure, and I do the same with God. Was that unclear? I felt like I could have used a better metaphor.

11) I can’t watch 24 anymore. For one thing, I feel like it was getting really formulaic, but also it’s just way too intense. Remember that time Jack’s partner had the virus bomb strapped to his arm and Jack had to chop the guy’s arm off to get the bomb away from them? I mean, damn, girl.

12) I’m not impressed that you know all the words to all the songs from every Disney movie. You are not impressed that I list about a hundred favorite movies on Facebook. Let’s just acknowledge this and move on.

13) I have a scar on my inner thigh from a catastrophic wagon accident when I was in elementary school. So, uh… If you’ve been waiting for an excuse to get a look at my inner thigh, there it is.

14) I think it’d be a great idea if they made a fourth Indiana Jones movie. Mike and I already have this badass idea – Indiana Jones and the Iron Curtain. I don’t want to give too much away, but remember Short Round? Oh yeah, he’s back. And he’s a CIA spy working undercover in Chinese Intelligence. Freakin’ danksauce.

15) Blagojavich? Fuck that guy.

16) The problem with writing a novel is that when I mention it in an attempt to impress people, they’ll always ask what it’s about, and then I have to drop my eyes and mutter, “It’s, uh… A science fiction novel.” And then they go, “Oh,” and think less of me in the long run.

17) Futura is the single greatest typeface in the world. It’s elegant yet bold, beautiful yet tough. It has pride, but it does not boast. Futura drives a lovingly restored black Oldsmobile from the 1940s and supports independent film in the community. If Blogspot allowed it, this page would be swimming in Futura.

18) Coincidentally, I’ve got 18 sources annotated at the moment. More than half, but I still have to interview people.

19) I’m well aware of the typo in last week’s update, but I’ve decided to keep it in order to show that all men have faults, and even gods can bleed.

20) Facebook will routinely show me sidebar ads with pictures of sweaty, shirtless guys that say, “Meet Gay Christian Singles!” It worries me that maybe the ad placement script is so intuitive that it’s looked into my soul and has found out that at heart I’m a staunch Methodist who’s really into dudes, even if I don’t know it yet.

21) Sometimes, when I’m walking through the parking lot of the School of Music, I hear a three or four piece instrumental combo rehearsing nearby – a drum and bass and guitar, and maybe a keyboard. They tend to play laid back, low key R&B or rock riifs, and I like to pretend that it’s the soundtrack for a really boring movie about a guy walking through a parking lot.

22) Yeah, I know, “Sweet Child O’ Mine” is Guns ‘N Roses’ most mainstream song. But did you ever consider that it’s got all that mainstream appeal because it’s just really awesome?

23) I can admit that Oregon State University is a worthwhile and decent school in its own way. However, I hate everything about Seattle Community College (the “University of Washington” to some) with every fiber of my being.

24) If I could have any superpower, it would be to make my life move in slow motion at will and have the second half of “Layla” play in the background.

25) I get that last week’s update was a bulleted list too, but I feel like this update is considerably stronger in terms of humor. It helps that I’m not nearly as tired now as I was then.

26) OH SHI-

Truman Capps loves conformity when it suits him.