Rejected (Now With Boobs!)
In my economics class this year, we “learned” about how banks supposedly create money. I put the word “learned” in quotation marks because I quite honestly can’t tell you how they make money; I just seem to remember our GTF interrupting my Tetris game for long enough to tell us that the process of depositing money in a bank puts into motion a series of coincidences and magical tomfoolery that, in one way or another, creates $10,000 where there once was only $1000. I’m sure at least one of my readers actually knows how this works and will want to share it with me in the comments section, but be forewarned that if it involves any math at all, I’m not going to read it. In fact, I can almost guarantee you I won’t read it unless it involves a car chase, so, y’know, try and work around that.
What economics did teach me is that the Internet is a lot like a bank, in that it creates humor out of images that would otherwise not be funny. For example, someone could deposit a seemingly innocuous picture such as this one…
…And within months, the result would be this:
Same cat, more comedy. In fact, this cat was more or less the Patient Zero of the lolcat epidemic, which began years ago in the dark recesses of the 4chan message boards, where a favorite pastime is the search for obscure and disgusting pornography, and has now been watered down into the Hallmark Channel of the Internet. It’s like if the Sex Pistols turned around and did the soundtrack for the next Shrek movie.
The point is, the Internet routinely brings out the humor in otherwise forgettable images. However, I have recently found what is simultaneously the funniest and the saddest image on the Internet, all without the help of diligent photo manipulators or cutely misspelled text. It contains hope, despair, chivalry, dismissal, and Megan Fox in a low cut dress.
For the purposes of the blog, I’ve doctored up the picture like so:
1) Let’s not mock this guy. Let’s not ask how old he is, or question whether he actually thinks this will work, or speculate as to just how long and lonely the night following this moment was. Because, gentlemen, we were all this guy once. When the first Transformers movie came out, I’ll bet you anything that every man watching Megan Fox flounce around the screen in her little outfits would have grabbed the nearest rose and done exactly this same thing had they found out that she was in the vicinity. Of course, a lot of us got over it, but hey – maybe this guy didn’t. And I mean, there’s nothing explicitly wrong with that. Furthermore, we’ve got to keep in mind that this picture captures this poor fellow’s realization that what he had hoped would be the happiest moment in his life would in fact be the saddest. And I can safely say that we’ve all been there too – fortunately, when I had that moment at my senior prom, there was nobody there to take a picture of it.
2) Is it just me, or does Megan Fox stand out even more when she’s surrounded by normal people? I wish I could know if her face looks like that because she’s in the middle of saying something, because of multiple plastic surgeries,* or because she’s wearing her game face (the game in this case being Completely Ruin One Of Your Fans’ Lives). Really, though – how hard would it be to just take the rose and smile at him? I mean, look, she’s only got like four million bodyguards who could hold it for her. Hell, even take the rose and set fire to it in front of him, but don’t just leave him there holding the damn thing!
*Speaking of plastic surgery, she appears to have recently done a little transforming of her own in the whole boobs region. Like, her boobs transformed into silicone monstrosities. Because they were in disguise earlier, as… Normal boobs. All I’m saying is, insofar as Megan Fox’s knockers, there’s more than meets the eye. **
**I’m really sorry, Jenna.
3) Sure, it’s just three hands, but look at everything it says about the moment. The bodyguard in back is fully prepared to karate chop this kid out of the way, while the bodyguard out of frame appears to be physically dragging Megan Fox to the nearest helicopter, from whence they’ll call in an air strike on the entire area, just to be sure they won’t have any more trouble with that flower-toting ruffian.
4) Despite his seeming intent to elbow the poor little guy out of the way, you’ll notice that this bodyguard isn’t even looking at kid (the red line represents his eyeline, not a laser being fired from his eyes*). Not only is Megan Fox ignoring this guy, but so is her hired help, even when they’re elbowing him down into the gutter with all the other plebians.
*Even though this would make him a much more competent bodyguard.
5) I have a gut feeling that this woman in the background, beaming ever so brightly, is in fact the kid’s mother, who had perhaps given him a ride here and was eagerly watching to see just how well his master plan went. From the glee in her eyes I assume she can’t tell that this is not the life-enriching experience she’d thought it would be. Soon she will realize that it’s going to be a very long and awkward ride home.
6) What are you doing here!? What part of the entourage are you?
7) I don’t really get the point of this tattoo. Does she look at it and ask herself “What Would Marilyn Do?” If so, would the answer be “Throw on your ice-queen face and brush that kid aside?” I don’t think so. I think it’d be more along the lines of, “Go fuck Kennedy again.”
8) Is the towel for wiping away the splattered remains of this kid’s dignity, or perhaps to absorb her own tears when she realizes what she’s become?
This picture is, in its own way, a work of art. If it could be rendered in oils, I’d damn well hang it on my wall – it’s sort of symbolic of the celebrity’s distance from their audience, or how callously they regard them, in spite of MySpace pages and Twitter accounts that try so hard to reach out to us.
It’s also probably not going to do the floristry industry any good.
Truman Capps had damn well better get some hits after posting a blog with the words “Megan Fox” and “boobs” in it. Maybe if he adds “Megan Fox lesbian kiss” he’ll get even more traffic.
What economics did teach me is that the Internet is a lot like a bank, in that it creates humor out of images that would otherwise not be funny. For example, someone could deposit a seemingly innocuous picture such as this one…
…And within months, the result would be this:
Same cat, more comedy. In fact, this cat was more or less the Patient Zero of the lolcat epidemic, which began years ago in the dark recesses of the 4chan message boards, where a favorite pastime is the search for obscure and disgusting pornography, and has now been watered down into the Hallmark Channel of the Internet. It’s like if the Sex Pistols turned around and did the soundtrack for the next Shrek movie.
The point is, the Internet routinely brings out the humor in otherwise forgettable images. However, I have recently found what is simultaneously the funniest and the saddest image on the Internet, all without the help of diligent photo manipulators or cutely misspelled text. It contains hope, despair, chivalry, dismissal, and Megan Fox in a low cut dress.
For the purposes of the blog, I’ve doctored up the picture like so:
1) Let’s not mock this guy. Let’s not ask how old he is, or question whether he actually thinks this will work, or speculate as to just how long and lonely the night following this moment was. Because, gentlemen, we were all this guy once. When the first Transformers movie came out, I’ll bet you anything that every man watching Megan Fox flounce around the screen in her little outfits would have grabbed the nearest rose and done exactly this same thing had they found out that she was in the vicinity. Of course, a lot of us got over it, but hey – maybe this guy didn’t. And I mean, there’s nothing explicitly wrong with that. Furthermore, we’ve got to keep in mind that this picture captures this poor fellow’s realization that what he had hoped would be the happiest moment in his life would in fact be the saddest. And I can safely say that we’ve all been there too – fortunately, when I had that moment at my senior prom, there was nobody there to take a picture of it.
2) Is it just me, or does Megan Fox stand out even more when she’s surrounded by normal people? I wish I could know if her face looks like that because she’s in the middle of saying something, because of multiple plastic surgeries,* or because she’s wearing her game face (the game in this case being Completely Ruin One Of Your Fans’ Lives). Really, though – how hard would it be to just take the rose and smile at him? I mean, look, she’s only got like four million bodyguards who could hold it for her. Hell, even take the rose and set fire to it in front of him, but don’t just leave him there holding the damn thing!
*Speaking of plastic surgery, she appears to have recently done a little transforming of her own in the whole boobs region. Like, her boobs transformed into silicone monstrosities. Because they were in disguise earlier, as… Normal boobs. All I’m saying is, insofar as Megan Fox’s knockers, there’s more than meets the eye. **
**I’m really sorry, Jenna.
3) Sure, it’s just three hands, but look at everything it says about the moment. The bodyguard in back is fully prepared to karate chop this kid out of the way, while the bodyguard out of frame appears to be physically dragging Megan Fox to the nearest helicopter, from whence they’ll call in an air strike on the entire area, just to be sure they won’t have any more trouble with that flower-toting ruffian.
4) Despite his seeming intent to elbow the poor little guy out of the way, you’ll notice that this bodyguard isn’t even looking at kid (the red line represents his eyeline, not a laser being fired from his eyes*). Not only is Megan Fox ignoring this guy, but so is her hired help, even when they’re elbowing him down into the gutter with all the other plebians.
*Even though this would make him a much more competent bodyguard.
5) I have a gut feeling that this woman in the background, beaming ever so brightly, is in fact the kid’s mother, who had perhaps given him a ride here and was eagerly watching to see just how well his master plan went. From the glee in her eyes I assume she can’t tell that this is not the life-enriching experience she’d thought it would be. Soon she will realize that it’s going to be a very long and awkward ride home.
6) What are you doing here!? What part of the entourage are you?
7) I don’t really get the point of this tattoo. Does she look at it and ask herself “What Would Marilyn Do?” If so, would the answer be “Throw on your ice-queen face and brush that kid aside?” I don’t think so. I think it’d be more along the lines of, “Go fuck Kennedy again.”
8) Is the towel for wiping away the splattered remains of this kid’s dignity, or perhaps to absorb her own tears when she realizes what she’s become?
This picture is, in its own way, a work of art. If it could be rendered in oils, I’d damn well hang it on my wall – it’s sort of symbolic of the celebrity’s distance from their audience, or how callously they regard them, in spite of MySpace pages and Twitter accounts that try so hard to reach out to us.
It’s also probably not going to do the floristry industry any good.
Truman Capps had damn well better get some hits after posting a blog with the words “Megan Fox” and “boobs” in it. Maybe if he adds “Megan Fox lesbian kiss” he’ll get even more traffic.