Stiller/Wilson
Admittedly, into each life a little shit must fall, but by and large, in Owen Wilson’s movies his characters are generally lucky and well liked, whereas Ben Stiller has to slog through a few thousand gallons of misery in order to find his happy ending. Observe:
Owen Wilson
Bottle Rocket - Constantly in high spirits, finally realizes his dream of becoming a master thief, goes to prison (which reinforces his self-esteem).
Heat Vision and Jack (TV Pilot) - Is a talking motorcycle. Repeat: HE IS A TALKING MOTORCYCLE.
Shanghai Noon - Digs himself out of the sand with chopsticks, spends time playing cards, drinking, and boning Old West floozies, gets to be best friends with Jackie Chan.
The Royal Tenenbaums - Rich, wildly successful novelist, bones Gwyneth Paltrow.
Zoolander - Wins VH1 Fashion Awards, helps Zoolander save the day, participates in orgy with midgets and bones Christine Taylor, is so hot right now.
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou - Acts on his dream of joining Team Zissou, bones Cate Blanchett, is on A Squad.
Starsky and Hutch - Bones Carmen Electra and Amy Smart at the same time.
Wedding Crashers - Bones enough hot bridesmaids to populate a small country, spends hours sweet talking Rachel McAdams at his friend’s expense, hangs out with Christopher Walken.
You, Me, and Dupree - Lives rent free with Matt Dillon, uses his pornography, gets his bone on with a Mormon librarian (female).
Marley and Me - Bones Jennifer Aniston. Apparently owns a dog, as well.
Ben Stiller
There’s Something About Mary - Gets his wang caught in his zipper, loses girl of his dreams, spends life being shit on, caught in gay rest stop orgy.
Mystery Men - Uses impotent rage as a means to cover up severe self-doubt and loathing, disrespected by coworkers, friends, cute waitresses, criminals, and the police, gets hit in the face with a shovel.
Meet The Parents - Misses his chance to propose to his girlfriend, receives nonstop disrespect from her father, is humiliated in front of family and friends, accidentally breaks a family friend’s nose with a volleyball, inadvertently fills backyard with sewage and sets wedding altar on fire, is suspected of being a marijuana user, loses the family cat, is forcibly exiled from the family home, only to later be detained by airport security.
The Royal Tenenbaums - Wife dies in a plane crash.
Duplex - Rents a high priced apartment with an elderly subletter who constantly torments and takes advantage of him and his wife, resulting in physical abuse, arrest, and the destruction of his recently-completed novel.
Envy - Misses the opportunity to invest in a friend’s business and become rich, earning the ire of his wife and sending his life into a downward spiral of slapstick disaster.
Along Came Polly - Catches his new wife having sex with Hank Azaria, has prolific diarrhea while on a date with Jennifer Aniston which results in the destruction of several of her cherished items.
Night At The Museum - Spends an entire night being bullied by cavemen, fossils, miniatures, and Teddy Roosevelt, realizes his agent cast him in a really terrible movie.
Tropic Thunder - Is the laughing stock of the film industry, alienates all personal connections, gets waterboarded by drug dealers and stabbed by a small child, murders a panda, which leads to an existential crisis.
Today was a definite Ben Stiller day. I’ll see you tomorrow.