Glendale: A Primer

I don't know if you heard, but the biggest football game in the history of the University of Oregon is happening tomorrow in Glendale, Arizona, and as a result I'm in Glendale, Arizona with the Oregon Marching Band. We're pretty busy loving our Ducks, so here's this piece that I wrote for the OMB newsletter in advance of our trip. Be prepared, though, because come Wednesday I'ma blog the SHIT out of this trip.

I’ve been asked to write a primer article for Glendale, based on the usefulness and popularity of the one I wrote for Pullman. What nobody seems to realize is that my article about Pullman was effective because I’d actually been to Pullman before, whereas I’ve never so much as been to Arizona, let alone Glendale. However, as a trained journalist I’m determined not to let complete ignorance of my subject get in the way of the factuality of my article.

History: The City of Glendale was incorporated in 1920, the same year that the Wizard Exclusion Act was passed in nearby Phoenix. Under the Wizard Exclusion Act, all practitioners of magic – broadly defined in the legislation to include telekinesis, pryokinesis, mind reading spells, and the ability to summon water, rocks, or burritos – who lived in the city were forced to leave. They resettled nine miles outside of the Phoenix city limits, in a magical refugee camp that they called Glynn Dalle, which is Magic Latin for ‘I Wish I Was In Phoenix Right Now.’

Population: Glendale is home to roughly 250,000 people. This is half the population of Portland, but for whatever reason, these assholes get a pro football team, whereas we are saddled with the shame of a Major League Soccer team. Scientists agree that this is Horseshit.


White 47%
Hispanic 23%
Closet Wizard 15%
Black 10%
Retired Jewish People from Illinois 9%
Wizard 8%
Girls Gone Wild 2%

Culture: Glendale is apparently ‘Arizona’s Antique Capital’, as though this were something you’d want to brag about.

Glendale has very stringent public indecency laws, and has repeatedly throughout its history executed unwitting tourists for removing articles of clothing without first filling out the proper paperwork. As a result, Glendale is considered to be the most dangerous city in which to rock out with your cock out.

Stephanie Meyer, the author of the Twilight series, resides in Glendale, presumably in a gigantic castle from which she is systematically destroying American literature.

Mexico: Is close to Glendale. Don’t go there.

Climate: Glendale is in the middle of a freaking desert, so you’d expect it to be pretty warm there. However, in Southern California at the Rose Bowl last year we got soaked by a downpour – the moral of the story is to always bring a parka, because in the Oregon Marching Band, we make it rain.

Music: According to the website for the City of Glendale, the city’s official song is the theme from ‘Sanford and Son,’ played on bagpipes. Maybe it’s a wizard thing.

Education: Glendale is home to Midwestern University, a medical school that clearly has no idea where the hell it is. There are no other schools in Maricopa County.

Entertainment: What is perhaps the country’s largest brothel is located in nearby Tempe. Named ‘Arizona State University’, it is the first whorehouse to have its own football team.

Truman Capps will be back on Wednesday with his annual bowl game wrapup. Go Ducks!