Do you like me? Do you want to be more like me? Do you want to write this blog?
Okay, obviously not. Let me go at this from a different angle:
If there’s one thing I’ve taken very seriously in the four years I’ve been writing this blog, it’s consistency. That’s sort of my gimmick – lots of other blogs start and then peter out quickly once the blogger realizes the inherent difficulty of making quality updates on a regular basis, but I’ve found that by sacrificing quality I can keep to a pretty solid schedule. If it’s Sunday or Wednesday, there’ll be something here for you to read.* Yes, you may be reading the literary equivalent of a home video of two deer fucking in someone’s backyard, but just imagine what you’d be doing if you didn’t have a blog to read. Meth, probably. You’re welcome.
*Notable exceptions include exactly one week ago, when I was shoehorning digital footage together as fast as possible to meet a deadline, and almost exactly two years ago, when I was holding The Ex Girlfriend’s hair back as she regurgitated red wine, tequila, and tortilla chips into a garbage can after a St. Patrick’s Day party, which, while disgusting, also taught me a lot about the strengths and weaknesses of the human digestive system.
Sticking to this schedule hasn’t been that difficult for me, for the most part. I spend most of my time in front of a computer, or at least near one, and I’m usually thinking something stupid about something inconsequential, which are really the only two criteria necessary for a Hair Guy update, aside from ‘Is it Wednesday or Sunday? (Y/N)”
However, sometimes I know I’ll be doing something in the near future that will keep me away from a computer for a long enough period of time that I won’t be able to update. This is pretty rare, seeing as I tend to pass on any activity that involves me not having Internet access. The blog is a great excuse to not go camping.
So now we get to the point:
Spring break is coming up – my last ever spring break. Like many college students burned out after a rough winter term, I’m going someplace exotic for the week to relax and unwind: Chicago, Illinois, crown jewel of the Midwest!* With my parents! And also Washington D.C.! Still with my parents.
*I’ve never been to the Midwest before, save for a couple of three hour layovers, but a girl checking out a camera today told me I have a Wisconsin accent, which just goes to show that anything is possible if you eat enough cheese curds.
I’m leaving next Wednesday and coming back Saturday after next. That’s three blog updates that need to be made, and I’ll be so busy frolicking on the shores of Lake Michigan that I won’t have time to blog it until afterwards.
In the past, when these situations would arise, I would call on one or two of my friends who I trusted to step in as guest writers for the time that I was gone, and they treated this like the chore it clearly was and is. But just yesterday I saw that Charlie Sheen is looking for an intern, and by God, if he’s allowed to find some idealistic sap to do his dirty work, I should be able to do the same.*
*I’m also in the market for some goddesses. Just think it over.
If you want to write one of the three blog updates while I’m gone, shoot me an email at email@example.com or hit me up on Facebook, along with a reasonably brief statement about what you intend to write about. Keep in mind, I’ll be judging you based on how much I laugh when I read your application, and also by how physically attractive you are. This gives women and Anderson Cooper an unfair advantage, but so be it.
Here’s some things you should keep in mind:
-Blog updates are about a thousand words long, and funny. Those are the only non-negotiable parts of this deal, and in the past guest writers have had trouble with them. This is a long form comedy blog. People don’t come here to see something short that makes them laugh; if they did, I could just post a picture of my it’s too bad Two and a Half Men got cancelled because they’d probably love this joke.
-I’ve been doing this twice a week for four years through sickness, breakups, and Info Hell. If you sign up to write an update and then crap out at the last second, I’ll understand, but I’ll also mock you on here, probably forever.
-Your name is going to be on this, and anywhere between four and eleven people will be reading it (more than that, if you count the people who Google ‘hairy guys’ and are disappointed when see what this blog actually is.) If for whatever reason freaks you out, I’d rather you be having those emotions now than when you’re trying to write the update.
So if you’re looking to positively destroy all of your credibility as a writer and speak to an audience that includes my old third grade teacher and the only two girls from my high school who aren’t pregnant yet, do please drop me a line.
Truman Capps figures he can probably blog about what a terrible idea this was in three weeks’ time.