Liveblogging The Emmys, 2011

Yes, it’s that time of year again – like Christmas in September, the Emmy awards have arrived, and we can once again gather to watch the annual celebration of Mad Men and several made for TV movies nobody has ever heard of.

This year’s liveblog is going to be a little more difficult, seeing as we don’t have TV at our house and Fox isn’t streaming the ceremony online. Admittedly, this seems a little hypocritical given that they’re touting their new media friendliness, what with hashtags and Tweeting and Jimmy Fallon and all, but in their defense, it is 1983, after all. There’s no such thing as an Internet, so it’s obviously not a terrible business decision to neglect a gigantic, youth-oriented market like this.

Oh, wait. It turns out it’s 2011, there is an Internet, and Fox is just making an immensely stupid move.

Anyway, the only access I have to the Emmys is ‘Emmys Backstage LIVE!’, a slapshod backstage stream showing blurry images of people in tuxedos walking around the green room, and also some tearful extended acceptance speeches from winners on the ‘Thank You Cam.’ It’s like they cut all the bones and gizzards out of the delicious roast chicken they’re serving to the TV audience and threw the refuse online for me to watch and make fun of. Regardless, it’s all I’ve got, so here we go!

5:41: The camera backstage is pointed at a TV playing the Emmy ceremony, and we’re watching the crew watching it, while some guy tries to do terrible voiceover commentary and what he thinks of Charlie Sheen. Thanks for this amazing media experience, NBC!

5:45: The guy they hired to do commentary on what's happening backstage is clearly being punished for something, because they've given him the most thankless job. "What's... Okay, well, I can't tell who just won... Hey, look in the green room! It's Ashton Kutcher! Do you think he and Charlie Sheen hung out? Think they did the Maverick/Goose high-five? Woosh! Woosh! Charlie and Ashton talking. This is amazing." I hate this. I hate this already.

5:47: "Meanwhile, Charlie is STILL talking to Ashton... What could they be talking about? Stock tips?" My God. This guy makes sports commentary look like Kurt Vonnegut.

5:48: You have been livestreaming a conversation between Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen for three minutes. And we can't hear what they're saying. We're just watching them talk. This is online content.

5:49: Commentator just revealed that he's drinking. Say! That gives me an idea!

5:50: Emmys Backstage LIVE! drinking game: Take a drink every time this doesn't suck.

5:51: Ahh, the good old Thank You Cam - it allows Emmy winners to continue crying and prattling on about people we've never heard of for as long as they want to with no orchestra to play them off.

5:54: Joel McHale is doing some singing and dancing thing, apparently. In response, the backstage stream changes to Ty Burrell at a press conference talking about gay rights. The commentator, meanwhile, repeats everything Joel McHale is saying, just so he knows that we got it.

5:56: Just because a thing exists doesn't mean it needs commentary, NBC.

5:58: Is David Spade going to win an Emmy for outstanding achievement in creepy goatees?

6:01: Ashton Kutcher is so posturing for the lead role in the new 'Passion of the Christ' movie with this long hair/beard combo.

6:02: Commentator: "This is obviously live, because I've made about a thousand mistakes. But mistakes are fun!" No. Mistakes are not fun. This stream was a mistake, and I am not having fun.

6:05: The producers of The Amazing Race are at the Thank You Cam, and one of them looks like Ebeneezer Scrooge.

6:07: I'm watching a shitty stream with terrible commentary, and writing commentary about the terrible commentary. INCEPTION.

6:09: A bunch of garishly dressed 80s looking dancer girls milling around backstage. Maybe my joke about NBC in the intro wasn't so far off...

6:11: Commentator: "There is Scott Caan, who was eating cookies earlier..." BRILLIANT. COMMENTARY.

6:14: I'm missing a Lonely Island tribute. Goddamn it. How fast can I get cable?

6:17: So long as I've got you here and nothing is happening, I should mention that I thought Winter's Bone was overrated. Meanwhile, the guy from Big Bang Theory is doing a press conference. But yeah - pacing just wasn't that great. I get it; everybody's doing meth and Missouri sucks. Not Best Picture quality, if you ask me.

6:20: The back of Jon Stewart's head as he makes an acceptance speech. Now there's a man with a good back of the head, am I right? Oh Lord, I hate this.

6:23: Jon Stewart on the thank you cam: "Why are you not watching television right now?" I know! Don't rub it in!

6:28: Outstanding writing for a drama series... Mad Men? Let me know if Mad Men wins. I'm watching the commentator put on a plastic football helmet.

6:32: Friday Night Lights? Really? I thought that whole show was just buff dudes swaggering around going, "Football football football football football."

6:35: If not for the Thank You Cam I wouldn't have seen any hysterical crying women today. Near thing.

6:39: Jane Lynch looks younger now than she did in The 40 Year Old Virgin. How come?

6:41: Boardwalk Empire took a bold step by focusing their promotional campaign around pictures of Steve Buscemi, if you ask me. Amazing actor and a genuinely good person, but Christ, I do not like seeing his face on a bus bench.

6:43: The only exciting thing about watching this stream is that if some celebrity comes to the thank you cam and says something racist, I'll probably be the only person to see it happen. Silver lining.

6:45: The feed has been flawless all night, but as soon as Martin Scorcese goes to the Thank You Cam, it dies. Great. The ONE PERSON I wanted to see thanking people tonight.

6:48: Peter Dinklage clearly hates the idea of a Thank You Cam as much as I do, hence why he only said, "This is heavy. Thank you." And then the Commentator: "Peter Dinklage, keeping it short." Wow. Classy joke, Mike Kosta.

6:52: The whole time I've spent watching this, I could've been watching a documentary about maritime disasters and probably gotten as good of an idea about what was going on at the Emmys.

6:54: Watching Scorcese walking out with his Emmy. "Yep, guess I'll just put this on the pile of other awards I've won. No big deal."

6:57: For every drama category, I just go with the assumption that Mad Men is going to win. I'm usually right.

7:00: Well, okay, I was wrong on that one.

7:02 Emmys Backstage LIVE! is punishment for shoplifting in some countries. If not, it should be.

7:04: 11 different backstage cameras aren't worth shit if they aren't pointed at anything good.

7:15: Sorry for the absence. I had to put on pants when my roommate came in with his new girlfriend. That was far more entertaining than this entire livestream.

7:16: Well, since you asked, yes - it IS pants-optional here at Hair Guy.

7:19: I guess I should either get a lock for my bedroom door or start wearing pants more often. I'm leaning towards the lock.

7:22: Look, I recycle. I pay my taxes. I play by society's fucking rules, and after a long day of wearing pants in public, sometimes I just take off my pants and surf the Internet at home. It isn't weird. Lots of people do it. You probably do it, you just won't admit it.

7:24: Why are people under the impression that the 'Hallelujah' song from Shrek and Watchmen is a good song? It's not. It might have been before they used it in every sad or poignant scene in every movie, but those days are over.

7:25: Furthermore, I should point out that pants are actually sort of unhealthy for guys to wear. They raise your overall nut temperature, and that fucks up your sperm count. That said, I'm not planning on having kids, but this is at least indicative of the fact that pants are not, strictly speaking, our friends. Sorry for partying.

7:28: Half an hour to go. We can do this, people!

7:32: The presence of pants makes this program so much worse.

7:35: Maria Bello rocking a flask. Never has drinking looked that good.

7:38: William H. Macy is making long greasy hair cool again.

7:40: Open bar in the winner's lounge. If there's one thing I want more than to go to the Emmys, it's to go to an event with an open bar.

7:44: What's Gwyneth Paltrow doing at the Emmys? Furthermore, how the fuck do you spell that woman's name?

7:47: Mad Men, four years in a fucking row. In your face, haters.

7:49: If Christina Hendricks talks to the Thank You Cam, this will all be worth it.

7:52: Jon Hamm yelling 'Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!' into the Thank You Cam was almost as good as Christina Hendricks.

7:53: It's going to be a real logjam for comedy. I'm pulling for Parks and Rec.

7:55: Goddamn. I need to start watching Modern Family. And with that, I'm going to take off my pants and make some dinner. Goodnight!

Truman Capps loves getting out of actually writing a blog by doing this shit.