Hair Guy EXCLUSIVE: Interview With The Family Of Dick Cheney's Heart Donor
BREAKING
Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in a rare moment of not having a heart attack.
Former Vice President
Dick Cheney is no stranger to heart problems – or, put more specifically, it’s
a bizarre and alien experience for former Vice President Dick Cheney to not
be sweating bullets and struggling to breathe. Six heart attacks isn’t just
misfortune – it’s a way of life. For Dick Cheney, heart disease was a passion,
but after 346 years of partisan politics, CIA black site administration, and
nightly dinners of human souls washed down with orphan tears, his heart had
taken all it could, and it was time for a change.
Four months ago,
Cheney received a heart transplant where his blackened, General Grevious-style
pulmonary artery was removed and trucked to an EPA Superfund dump site
somewhere in Nevada, replaced with a healthy donor heart which reportedly began
to smolder and blacken the moment it came into contact with the rusted pipes
and copper wires that constitute the former vice president’s cardiovascular
system.
In his first interview since the transplant, Cheney told ABC’s Jonathan Karl that while various
privacy laws prevent him from knowing the identity of the anonymous donor,
there are programs to help transplant recipients get in touch with the families
of their donors, which Cheney has expressed an interest in.
“At some point I would
be amenable to contact with the family,” Cheney said in the interview,
conducted over a breakfast of live doves and single malt scotch. “The main
thing I’d say is thank you. I can’t think of a more magnificent gift than to be
given more years of life.”
In a spectacular coup,
the investigative journalism wing here at Hair Guy Media LLC has discovered
that the identity of Cheney’s heart donor was a 21-year-old Filipino man named
Carlos Mendoza, who at the time of his death was living in San Francisco. We go
now live to Manila for an interview with Mendoza’s mother, Pilar, conducted via
translator.
Hair Guy: First of
all, thank you, Pilar, for taking the time to meet with us. Our condolences for your son.
Pilar Mendoza: Thank
you. We were all very upset about Carlos’ death, but sadly we were almost
expecting it, what with his lifestyle.
HG: Lifestyle?
PM: He was, how
do you say, a bakla. I’m not sure how
to put it lightly. What is the word you have in America for a man who has sex
with other men?
HG: Your son, whose
heart was given to Dick Cheney, was a homosexual?
PM: Oh my, yes.
My, my, my, yes. Yes. Very homosexual. We didn’t approve, of course, but Carlos
could be very pigheaded when he cared about something. And God forgive him, he
truly did care about having sex with men. Frequently. Sometimes in public.
HG: This is something
of a shocking revelation, given Mr. Cheney’s political stripe.
PM: Really? I
don’t actually know much about the man. I never followed American politics very
closely – even after Carlos moved there last year.
HG: Why did Carlos
move to San Francisco?
PM: Oh, that was
where his boyfriend lived. He was so desperate to be with him that he stowed
away on a cargo ship to get to the United States.
HG: So you’re saying
that Dick Cheney’s new heart came from a gay Filipino illegal immigrant?
PM: I suppose so,
yes.
HG: Was Carlos in the
process of applying for a green card, at least?
PM: Heavens, no!
He loved receiving free government services financed by hardworking white
American taxpayers. He was on welfare, food stamps, MEDICAID… He’d brag to me
on the phone about it. “Mama, you would
not believe all the great things the stupid Americans are giving me! At this
rate I’ll never need to get a job!”
HG: So he actively
delighted in taking advantage of the welfare state?
PM: It was
ironic, too, because he was so active in the socialist party here in the
Philippines. Whenever we weren’t bailing him out of jail for having homosexual
intercourse in public, it was because he was always out demonstrating and
protesting with fringe socialist groups. I mean, we’ve got universal healthcare
here and everything, but even by our
standards these guys were left wing nutjobs.
HG: So you’re saying
Carlos was a socialist.
PM: Socialist,
communist – you name it, he supported it. He actually founded a political party
that was devoted entirely to taking away peoples’ guns and convincing unwed
Christian mothers to have abortions. He even tried to start a Filipino version
of NAMBLA, but it never panned out.
HG: So Carlos was
pretty politically active. How did he die? Was it politically motivated?
PM: Not that I
know of – it seemed like an innocent accident. The bustier was just too tight.
HG: Excuse us.
Bustier?
PM: Oh, I forgot
to mention – he was performing in a drag show when he died.
HG: Of course he was.
PM: They were
doing a Pirates of the Caribbean theme,
and in the end he was supposed to come out like Keira Knightley in this
bustier, but the wardrobe people cinched it so tight that it… That his ribcage
was… Crushed, and he couldn’t…
HG: It’s alright,
Mrs. Mendoza. You don’t have to go on.
PM: I’m sorry. It
still hurts. How many more lives have to be lost before drag show wardrobe
designers understand that there are limits to how much boosting the male
ribcage can withstand?
HG: Thank you for
your time, Mrs. Mendoza. So, you heard it here first, folks: Former Vice
President Dick Cheney’s new heart came to him by way of a flamboyantly gay
socialist illegal immigrant Filipino drag queen who died in a tragic bustier
accident while impersonating Keira Knightley. We can only imagine the
forthcoming outpouring of gratefulness and compassion from the Cheney family.
Before we go, Mrs. Mendoza, is there anything you’d like to add?
PM: I’m sure that
Carlos is so happy that this was the outcome of his death. He must be delighted
to be inside of one last man.
HG: Yeah, we’re
cutting that in post.
Truman Capps would like to issue a retraction - in the above picture, we have learned that Vice President Cheney was, in fact, having a heart attack. Hair Guy regrets the error.