NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre is the author of several books on gun ownership, including 'Chicken Soup For The Depleted Uranium, Armor Piercing Soul' and 'Are You There, Glock? It's Me, Wayne.'
WASHINGTON D.C. – National Rifle Association executive vice president Wayne LaPierre called an impromptu press conference earlier today in the wake of his widely condemned comments on Friday, in which he suggested that the only way to adequately protect our nation’s students would be to place armed guards in every school in America.
LaPierre took the stage at the NRA’s national headquarters in Washington D.C. shortly after 2:00 PM on Sunday, his blazer bulging oddly with what analysts have confirmed were between three and eighteen concealed handguns. Following his opening remarks, he began by addressing the controversy surrounding his statements on Friday.
“We at the NRA are well aware that there has been some criticism of our Friday press conference. I’ve heard it suggested that our call for Congress to create an army of armed guards to defend every school in America – at a cost of approximately $18 billion – was ‘ill timed’, ‘unproductive’, or a ‘public relations disaster’.
“However, we will not be swayed by this smear campaign perpetuated by liberal rags like the New York Post, which on Saturday called me the ‘craziest man on Earth.’
“Not only is this a baseless personal attack, but it’s also woefully inaccurate – as we stated on Friday, the craziest man on Earth is currently arming himself and planning an attack on one of our nation’s many defenseless elementary schools at this very moment, and could strike at any time.
“To the owner of the New York Post, Rupert Murdoch, I ask you: Would the craziest man on Earth have a gun this awesome?”
At this point in the conference, Mr. LaPierre reached beneath his podium and produced a gold-plated AR-15 assault rifle – the same model that has been selling in record numbers since the NRA’s Friday conference – which he then posed with for the reporters’ cameras.
He then stepped briefly off the stage and handed it to a Washington Post correspondent in the front row, where he reportedly said, “Here, pass her around so everybody can get a look. I call her ‘Sasha.’ She’s loaded, so you’ll want to keep the safety on.”
Once back at the podium, LaPierre resumed his remarks as reporters began to pass the gun around the room.
“That being said, we at the NRA have listened to your comments, although we may have misheard a few because we’ve all been firing our guns pretty much nonstop since 9/11 and that can get pretty noisy. After some careful consideration, we’ve decided that our proposal for armed security guards in all of America’s schools was, perhaps, somewhat ill-thought out. To that end, we’ve devised a new, vastly more feasible strategy to defend our children.
“It’s a well known fact that there are currently roughly 300 million guns in circulation in the United States,” LaPierre continued, his face flushing and voice quavering slightly on the words ‘300 million guns’. “These figures are the shame of a nation. With our infrastructure and manufacturing capacity, we are more than capable of doubling that number – and why haven’t we?
“It is the stated position of the National Rifle Association that we cannot stop gun crimes by disarming our citizens and leaving them defenseless, but instead giving all Americans the means to defend themselves against armed criminals. The solution is not fewer guns, but more guns. So in the wake of this tragedy, it’s time to get serious.
“We hereby call on Congress to fund American gun manufacturers so they can immediately begin wholesale, year-round, 24 hour a day manufacture of firearms, to be distributed freely among the American public. By our own estimates, this legislation could bring the number of firearms circulating in the United States up to approximately 900 million, or…”
Mr. LaPierre, appearing flustered, paused for a moment to loosen his tie and dab perspiration from his forehead. “Or, uh… Three guns for every American.” He then exhaled slowly and bit his lip. “Oh. Oh my.” At this, Mr. LaPierre bowed his head and spent the next 20 seconds breathing heavily, seemingly in an attempt to compose himself.
“While these numbers are undeniably reassuring and quite stimulating,” LaPierre continued, “we believe that this is only the first step toward securing our children, who at this very moment are being targeted by thousands of deranged psychopaths who are probably way worse than Adam Lanza.
“Ultimately, if our government is truly concerned with the well being of its citizens, it should take every step to protect them by dedicating 100 percent of our gross domestic product to firearm manufacture and production.”
LaPierre used his tie to wipe more sweat from his brow as he continued. “Were we to start down this path tomorrow, by 2020 we could achieve a total of…” He closed his eyes and grunted softly. “1.6 trillion guns in circulation in the United States.”
At this point, Mr. LaPierre began to speak more quickly, the pitch of his voice rising desperately, his hands tightly gripping the edges of his podium, knuckles turning white.
“This is an unprecedented quantity of firearms, the likes of which the world has never seen. So, so many guns.” He swallowed heavily. “I mean, we couldn’t… There’s no way we could even store them all. All those guns.”
LaPierre, now red in the face, stripped off his tie and tore open the collar of his shirt with a savage grunt. “Oh, yeah.
“By our calculations, every square foot of dry land in America would be covered in a thick layer of… Guns. This will act as a physical deterrent to our nation’s many psychopaths, because now, if they want to come after our kids, they’ll have to… Have to…”
LaPierre hung his head and squeezed his eyes tightly closed, all but whimpering his next words: “If they want to come after our kids, they’ll have to swim through an ocean of guns!”
Breathing heavily now, Mr. LaPierre took off his glasses and wiped his eyes, trying to draw together some composure before issuing his closing remarks.
“We at the NRA stand by this plan, because we believe that nothing is more important than the well being of our nation’s children – that is, besides literally unlimited access to as many guns as possible.
“I am aware that this new plan may also draw ire from the spineless liberal minority. And to them, I say this:
“I am not out of touch, I am not insensitive, and I am not crazy. I am merely a loyal American who believes in defending the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment, which grants me the right to own guns.
“To carry those guns on my person.
“And to walk naked through my gun cellar in the middle of the night, rubbing my guns sensually along the shaft of my erect penis.”
At this, Mr. LaPierre abruptly left the stage, snatched his gold AR-15 from the hands of an Associated Press photographer, and stormed out of the building.
At press time, LaPierre was last seen hurrying into a room at a nearby Motel 6, his semiautomatic rifle cradled lovingly in his arms.
Truman Capps quite honestly hopes Wayne LaPierre gets Lou Gehrig's Disease.