When you want a dating experience that is OK at best, you want OKCupid.
Hey ladies – are you interested in using the power of online dating to transform your boring, depressing 20th century love life into a boring, depressing 21st century love life? Of course you are.
OKCupid is a wildly popular free dating site that uses statistics and algorithms to match up its members. From the outside looking in, it can be an intimidating environment. Fortunately, though, you’ve got me – as a nearly three-year veteran of the site I’ve looked at thousands of girls’ profiles, so I know what works and what doesn’t to find the man of your dreams.
DISCLAIMER: None of these tips are sexy.
DISCLAIMER: None of these tips are sexy.
1) HELPFUL PHRASES
When you first create your OKCupid profile, you have to fill out a bunch of different fields with information about yourself – a self summary, what you’re doing with your life, favorite movies, and a few other fields designed to flesh out your personality for prospective mates. This can be a pretty tall order, so here are some handy phrases to fall back on:
I’m really not good at writing about myself. LOL! – A disclaimer like this is a great way to start your profile. Upon reading this the horny, stoned guys browsing OKCupid at 2:30 AM will lower their rigorous standards for grammar and diction a bit to give you the benefit of the doubt. It’s also important to include LOL to make it clear that you can laugh at yourself – out loud, if necessary.
Live. Laugh. Love. OR Hakuna matata – Having trouble crafting a self summary that gives a well rounded picture of you as an individual? Either one of these mass-marketed expressions that appears on T shirts ought to do the trick.
Living it! – This allows you to answer the What I’m Doing With My Life prompt without having to acknowledge the fact that you don’t even go on auditions anymore if they conflict with your shifts at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.
2) YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY ANCHORMAN QUOTES
Still struggling with your self summary? Try saying that you’re “kind of a big deal,” that you have “many leatherbound books” and your apartment “smells of rich mahogany,” or perhaps, “People tend to like me because I am polite and rarely late.” Flesh out other sections of your profile with anecdotes like “Milk was a bad choice” or “60 percent of the time, it works every time!”
These are quotes from the movie Anchorman, and if you aren’t using them you’re missing out on what most women on OKCupid have already discovered: Nothing turns a man on more than a quote from a heavily quoted movie that came out 10 years ago. Don’t ask me to explain the male psyche – there’s just something really sensual and alluring about a woman who doesn’t seem to have been to the movies since 2004.
3) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND ANCHORMAN QUOTES
It’s good to have several pictures on your profile to give guys a good sense of what you look like and prove that you’re not Catfishing them. The ideal mix is as follows: One or two of your most heavily photoshopped headshots, a fuzzy picture of you at an outdoor music festival wearing sunglasses so large they cover half of your face, a full body picture of you at Disneyland standing very far away from the camera, and a picture of you among a crowd of 15 of your identical-looking friends in Vegas.* Pictures from photo booths at parties are acceptable, but only if you and your friends are all holding fake moustaches under your noses.
*NOTE: This picture should always, ALWAYS be captioned, “Obligatory Vegas pic!”
Alternately, just post several webcam pictures of you and your cat in different parts of your bedroom. No warning signs there.
4) FAMILY FIRST
I can’t count the number of times on OKCupid that I’ve found a woman who is smart, witty, outspoken, beautiful, and seemingly perfect for me, except for one glaring, fatal flaw that stops me dead in my tracks from messaging her: Nowhere on her profile did she mention how important her friends and family are to her.
I’m sorry, but I feel like this is common sense: If you don’t make it clear on your profile that you love your family and your friends, how are eligible bachelors supposed to know? Do you expect us to just assume that your entire social circle and emotional support system is important to you? No thank you – I’d rather play it safe than wind up on a date with a psychopath who’s completely blasé about her friends and family.
5) SHOW YOUR TROJAN PRIDE
If you attended or are currently attending the University of Southern California, don’t be afraid to make that the central theme of your entire profile. Perhaps tastefully bookend your self summary with “GO TROJANS!!!” at the start and “Fight On” at the end, or list “SC FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!” alongside your friends and family as some of the things you couldn’t live without.
At the very least, make sure you post the standard picture of you in an oversized USC jersey wearing a backwards SC baseball cap while doing duckface and throwing up the ‘V for Victory’ sign in front of your sorority house. It’s just common courtesy – you should always be as upfront as possible about having gone to USC so guys know what they’re getting into.
6) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU PUT ON YOUR PROFILE MATTERS BECAUSE GUYS WILL MESSAGE YOU CONSTANTLY NO MATTER WHAT
For men, OKCupid is like a catalog of all the currently single women in a given area. But for women, who are vastly, vastly outnumbered by men on the site, OKCupid is a door. When you open that door, raw, unfocused, anonymous male attention rushes in like blood from that elevator in The Shining, and it never stops.
My BFF Sabba created a fake OKCupid profile. She didn’t fill out any of the personal information, didn’t answer any of the thousands of questions the site uses to match users up, and only uploaded one picture – a photo of an office chair in a bathroom.
In the past week this profile with no information on it save for a picture of a chair has been visited 74 times and received four messages from guys, one of whom even sent his phone number.
So really you can put just about anything on your profile and be good to go. If you want to hear from some dudes, you’ll hear from some dudes. Even if you’re just a chair in a bathroom.
Truman Capps' friends and family are the most important thing in the world to him.