Hair Guy Staff Christmas Memo

Mecha-Chaucer moments before the infamous "camera smash" incident.

From: Truman Capps (The Hair Guy)

To: Hair Guy writing staff (Bizarro Hemingway, Robo Faulkner, Zombie Fitzgerald, Mecha-Chaucer, Truman Clone 1, trumanclone43@gmail.com)

Subject: Excelsior!

Merry Christmas, everyone but Truman Clone 43!

Happy Kwanzaa, Truman Clone 43!

I’m just going to come right out and say that I think this is the best Christmas Hair Guy™ has ever had. Now, that statement might sound a bit loaded, given that it isn’t actually Christmas yet and this is basically the first Hair Guy™ Christmas, but go with me. We’ve overcome an awful lot of adversity in the past year, but the work has clearly paid off.

I was taking a look at SiteMeter the other day, and you’re not going to believe how many total hits we’ve gotten since this blog went online just over a year ago. Anybody want to guess? Go ahead and guess. Just, like… Just write it down on a bit of paper, or something, and then scroll down and look, and then compare what you thought to how many hits we’ve had in 12 months. Do it, seriously. The number is unbelievably high. I really wish I’d had the chance to do this.

Ready?

14,965! That’s fourteen thousand, nine hundred and sixty five! You round that up, you’ve got 15,000 hits in 12 months. And then, well, not to get ahead of myself, but what does 15 round up to? Yeah. It rounds up to 20, because it’s a five, and a five always rounds up.

So 20,000 hits* in one year. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. In fact, hows about we all pat ourselves on the back? Yeah! Go right ahead and do it. See? I don’t have to make any special concessions now that Truman Clone 2 (or Mr. Flippers, as I used to call him) quit and took his treacherous, backstabbing ass over to Columbia Pictures to work on House Bunny 2: Mo’ Bunny, Mo’ Problems. Look at that! We overcame that kind of thing! We don’t need Truman Clone 2 to get 20,000 hits** in one year. 20,000!*** That’s like… That’s like more than a thousand hits a month! Hell, if you round that up to 24,000 then we’re talking about two thousand hits a month!

*Basically.
**Basically.
***Basically.

So 24,000 hits in one year. I’m thinking we should make some T-shirts about that sort of thing. They could say something like “Hit me baby, 24,000 times!”, or “If we make the assumption that half of all Internet users are female, then 12,000 chicks have hit on me!” I’m not quite as hot on the second one, what with the whole… Wordiness thing it has going there. Look, hey, I’m the business end of Hair Guy™ – how about you guys think of something? Just figure it out and send it up my way. Be sure to make a joke about the word “Hit.” Maybe you can get a picture of Stallone at the end of Rocky, and then say something about how he got hit 24,000 times, just like Hair Guy? And maybe just bump that up to 25,000 times, for the sake of having a round number.

I couldn’t have made the big 25,000 without you guys. So much happened in this crazy, crazy year, but it didn’t keep us from getting 2000 hits a month now, did it? Actually, I guess that’s more than 2000 hits a month, it’s more like… Well, 1000 divided by 12, that’s… 83.33333? Well, okay, let’s just round that back down to 24,000 to make the math a little less- Wait, no, nevermind – back to 25,000. I’ll have Accounting figure that one out for us.

Look, anyway, it’s been a rough year, and I’m really proud of the way you guys pulled together and kept getting your work in on time. Mecha-Chaucer and Truman Clone 43: You guys are the new kids on the block (figuratively, of course – I in no way mean to suggest that you are or ever have been in a boy band) but you’ve both jumped right in and pulled your weight admirably in spite of the fact that Truman Clone 43 only writes in Ebonics and Mecha-Chaucer is 50 feet tall and likes to smash things. Truman Clone 1: I’m sure the spontaneous combustion of Truman Clones 3 and 4 must have sparked some pretty deep thoughts about your mortality, given that all of you were created by the same bargain basement South American cloning lab, but you never let that affect your work. And Bizarro Hemingway – it was tough for all of us when, in defiance toward Regular Hemingway, you tried to commit anti-suicide. Now, to be honest, I still don’t really get what anti-suicide is, but the other writers lead me to believe that it’s no walk in the park, so… Well, I’m just glad to have you back from Bizarro Rehab.

I’m sorry to bring up all those tough times, but if you take a look back, you’ve got to appreciate how incredible it is that we’ve kept this thing going for a year without any major hitches. There’s literally hundreds of blogs on the Internet, and I’d be surprised if even half of them could keep to a schedule this rigidly – and I’ll bet you none of them have a writing staff comprised of clones, robots, and zombies! Sure, we may not update as often as the other blogs, and we may not be as popular, but we do something special here at Hair Guy™. We don’t just offer words; we offer an experience. And sure, the experience may not always be a pleasant one, (mad ups to whoever thought of that thing about the rash!) but it’s always interesting, sometimes even borderline amusing, and I think that’s something to be proud of.

Sleep the sleep of kings tonight, writing staff. You work for a blog that scored basically 30,000 hits.

Sincerely yours,

Truman Capps
Internet Celebrity

Truman Capps was not the one who photocopied his ass at the Christmas party, no matter what Robo Faulkner says.