Things I Thought About Before and During Wayne's World 2

You know what this picture means? It means you're about to see some Tia Carrere. It means you're happy.

12:39 PM - Oh, great, even more snow and below-freezing temperatures. I think I’m not going to leave the house today. Yeah, that sounds about right. The outside world has been doing fine without me all this time I’ve been sleeping, I feel certain it can last another 24 hours without me poking my head outside. Maybe I’ll see what’s on TV.

12:51 PM - Man, FX, you guys are really excited about this new Damages show you’ve got, aren’t you? I mean, you keep showing all these ambiguous promos with some lady getting out of a car and Glenn Close looking hawkish and angry. I mean, I might have been excited about this show once, like, before I spent a couple of weeks getting teabagged by commercials lauding Damages for having “the best cast on TV”, but now, if given the opportunity, I think I’d not watch your show out of spite. Man, I make a point of not doing stuff out of spite a lot, don’t I? That’s probably not healthy.

12:52 PM - Oh, yeah, and it’s clearly not the best cast on TV, because Neil Patrick Harris isn’t in it. I also don’t see Richard Dean Anderson. You see the connection, FX? It’s having a middle name. Talk to Glenn Close about getting a middle name, then I might be interested.

1:00 PM - Oh snap! Wayne’s World 2! Score! God, I hope I don’t have to be anywhere for the next two hours.

1:34 PM - Y’know, they just don’t make sequels like this anymore. I mean, it’s not the original Wayne’s World - that movie deserved an Oscar of some sort, or at least preservation by some snooty film society in a giant vault labeled “CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT” – but it’s still a funny movie. You look at sequels today, I mean… Well, I doubt Cheaper By The Dozen 2 was anywhere near as funny as Cheaper By The Dozen. Actually… No, that’s probably a bad example, because I’m pretty sure Cheaper By The Dozen sucked monkeys anyway. Also, no Tia Carrere. A lot of movies suffer for not having Tia Carrere in them, come to think of it...

1:40 PM - There Will Be Blood probably would have got Best Picture if they’d put Tia Carrere in it. And I feel like if Scorsese had put a big Tia Carrere scene in Goodfellas or some other movie, he could have gotten Best Director way sooner. Oh, man, he should have put her in Last Temptation of Christ! She could have been the, y’know, the Last Temptation! Man, if I was being crucified, Tia Carrere would really just take the edge off.

1:54 PM - She’s like… She’s like the Asian Drew Barrymore. Lucy Liu is the Asian Cameron Diaz, but Tia Carrere is the Asian… No, no, scratch that – she’s the Asian Yasmine Bleeth. Yeah, I like that better.

2:13 PM - Oh, for crying out loud, Best Buy, enough with these human interest story commercials! This one, with the Geek Squad guy talking about how some customer made him dress up like an elf before doing tech support work on his daughters’ computer? It’s a disgrace. See, what you’re selling here isn’t a Geek Squad membership, nor is it a promise of exceptional customer service. What you’re selling is the opportunity to completely humiliate a fellow human being. This commercial says, “At Best Buy, we’ve got our employees so whipped into a miserable stupor that they’ll do literally anything – so have fun!” For God’s sake, the man is already a willing member of the Geek Squad, he has to march around in a neutered, less-cool Reservoir Dogs outfit, and his primary mode of transportation is a New Beetle painted black and white with the word “GEEK” emblazoned across the side. Why would you try to bring him lower? It’s not the Geek Squad anymore, it’s just Dial-A-Doormat.

2:14 PM - “Hey, thanks for coming to fix my computer, but I’ve got a proposition for you: Would you put on this leather gimp outfit and let me chain you up in the basement? The missus and I are in the middle of, uh… Something, and I think it’ll really make her Christmas.”

2:17 PM - But like I was saying, she just carried that show Relic Hunter. Without her, you got no show. It’s just relics, at that point.

2:32 PM - Awful lot of cologne commercials this time of year. Interesting thing is, the only people I really notice wearing cologne tend to be posers who probably won’t get a lot of nookie regardless of what they smell like. I mean, I look at Antonio Banderas and I think “Here’s a man who needs absolutely no help getting beautiful women to caress him in various erotic, sensual ways.” And yet, now he’s marketing cologne. For Christ’s sake, the man could rub dead trout all over himself and women would still run right past me to try new and exciting sexual positions with him. None of these guys need cologne to get women. But because some losers think it works, I have to sit here, alone, in a dimly lit room, and watch buff shirtless guys do stuff in slow motion.

2:45 PM - Thumbs down, Wayne’s World 2 - since when is a 10 minute ripoff of The Graduate a suitable ending for a film? I don’t know how I missed this before. God, I mean, if I wanted to watch a bunch of lame ripoffs, I’d watch Family Guy!

2:47 PM - Ooh, I wonder if Family Guy is on, so I can watch an episode and then write on my blog tonight about how much I hate Family Guy. Oh man, I would be awesome then. A lot of people like Family Guy, but I’d be taking the piss out of it on the Internet. I’d look bocu cool.

2:50 PM - Man, what happened to you, Mike Myers? Everybody was so excited about how cool you were, but now that I look back on your old movies, having seen all your other movies, I realize that you ran out of material pretty quick. Like, you’d done about everything you could do after a season on SNL, but they just kept giving you movie deals, didn’t they? Your entire career has consisted of making stupid jokes and then making out with hot women. Tia Carerre, Tia Carerre again, Elizabeth Hurley, Heather Graham, Beyonce… It’s not fair, really. I’m funnier than you are and I’ve made out with basically none of those women.

2:53 PM - Okay, that was harsh. Maybe I’m not funnier than you, Mike Myers, but I feel like I’m a lot broader. Y’know? I do more stuff. You do five or six characters, but, I mean, I’ve got the blog, and I did a public access TV show, and… Well… Okay, but I update the blog a lot.

2:55 PM - So I’m not broader than you, Mike Myers, but I try really hard. I feel like I work harder at it than you do. Sure, you put on silly costumes and do voices and things, but you do basically the same costumes and silly things, over and over. At least I don’t get stuck in a rut and keep redressing the same crap for my audience.

2:59 PM - Hey, I should do one of those “Things I Thought About” updates like the one I did a few months ago!

Truman Capps was not masturbating during any of the parts where he talked about Tia Carrere. Just, uh, in case you thought he was. He didn’t even consider it.