Snowblind

"No TV and beer make Homer something-something."
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do! YEARBLEBLEBLEBLBE!"

I’m sorry, Matt Zaffino. I’m sorry, Portland metropolitan storm teams. And, most of all, I’m sorry, all TV weathermen. I see now, I truly do, that your jobs do have meaning! Every day! I… I take everything back! You are real journalists! Sure, you majored in Communications – which, in my less-enlightened times, I held in almost as much contempt as Business – but my eyes are open! Even though all you do is read a teleprompter, without you it would be impossible to know what the weather would be! We need pretty faces to read us weather information, and that’s where you come in! You Communicate! You Communicate so well! Your college money was well spent, your jobs have meaning and impact, now will you please make it stop fucking snowing!?

A riddle:

How many inches of snow does it take to completely bring the city of Portland to its knees?

One. Maybe less.

We were not expecting this. On Sunday – the day that my callous, my so very callous blog about weathermen went online – it snowed for the better part of the day. We’re used to that. It snows, it accumulates, and then the sun comes out and the temperature jumps to 65 degrees and the next day everybody goes to school. But this snow… It came at us sideways. Not… Not literally, of course. It came at us from the usual place – the sky. But speaking metaphorically, in terms of our preparation? Shit may as well have come out of a microwaveable burrito.

See, it snowed, and the next day the highest temperature was 26 degrees. The snow didn’t melt. Or, rather, the sun came out and melted the top layer of snow, and then Science came along and made the melting snow freeze on top of the other snow as a layer of ice.* I mean, what the hell? Since when is that legal? It’s like the snow is covered in really slippery bulletproof glass. Fall down on it and you’ll see what I mean. And frankly, at this point, I’m about ready to go out and shoot some of it.

*And just why did you do that, anyway? I thought we were bros, Science. I thought we ran deep. I’ve been using you as a suitable alternate for God since I was a little kid, and this is how you repay me? I quit believing in Math and Economics; don’t think you’re safe. I won’t hesitate to become a nihilist out of spite.

Here’s the thing: I was all geared up for a very relaxing Christmas Break. You see, I made a TV show this past term, and that in conjunction with classes is a somewhat stressful endeavor. Not only did my mellow get harshed, but my Xbox 360 went seriously neglected, and a lot of my plan for Christmas Break involved catching up on the new video game releases I’d missed, and also not making a TV show. I was planning to drive down to Salem to visit friends who I haven’t seen in months (in one case, a year), and also to make the rounds of the Portland suburbs to visit some college friends. It was going to be a relaxing vacation full of good fun, good friends, and using a chainsaw bayonet to eviscerate aliens in Gears of War 2.

But our Subaru has front wheel drive and no snow tires, and currently every road in my part of town is still coated in ice. I’m a bad enough driver when conditions are perfect; an inch of snow and ice on every driving surface? I’d have better odds of survival if there were a carbomb under my seat. Those of you who hail from the Northeast and the Midwest may be laughing at me, but as a lifetime Pacific Northwesterner I can assure you that in these conditions the only vehicle worth driving is an AT-AT.

That’s from Star Wars, by the way. The Empire Strikes Back, more specifically. But if you didn’t know that, you’re probably reading the wrong blog. Run and look if The O.C. is on, you might like that better.

With driving out, bus schedules squiffy at best, and none of my Christmas Break plans within 20 miles of me, the snow has really cocked up my holidays. Temperatures are expected to stay below freezing all week, they’re predicting snow tomorrow, and a possible ice storm on Sunday. Visiting friends around town is unlikely, and going to Salem is downright impossible, as the projected ice storm would take place on my second day visiting – the only fate worse than being in Salem, in my eyes, is being stuck in Salem and unable to leave.* Also, I tried to take a sad song and make it better by going to the nearby Hollywood Video and merely renting Gears of War 2, but it seems some joker (not the cool kind) has had it checked out since November 26th. Depriving me of excruciating violence? I mean, they may as well just rip out my soul in a shower of my own blood. Worst of all, though, we ran out of Diet Coke two days ago and we can’t go to Costco to get more at bargain-basement prices until the snow melts! I mean, what am I supposed to do? Drink water? Can you… Can you even drink that, anymore?

*Actually, I guess being in El Paso is probably worse than being stuck in Salem. Cancer, also, is apparently no walk in the park.

So, trapped in my family’s condo by one inch of snow, I sit and I wait. I watch King of the Hill reruns at 1:00 and 3:30 and slowly learn to hate Wendy’s new Portobello Mushroom Burger because they absolutely refuse to stop advertising it. And I stave off insanity by counting my blessings.

1) I’m not in El Paso
2) I’m not in California
3) 30 Rock is finally getting an audience
4) They’re making chipotle hummus at LONG last
5) I’m not one of the hundreds of homeless people literally freezing to death in cardboard boxes downtown right now because all of the rescue missions are full to capacity
6) Arrested Development movie? It’s possible.

So please, storm teams - have mercy. It’s Christmas.

Truman Capps stated at the end of his last blog that whether it snowed or not had little effect on him – this was a shortsighted statement, made by a man who thought it wasn’t going to snow. Since when does Mother Nature read this thing, and since when does she have a blistering sense of irony?