Guest Update: Matt Takimoto

This final update comes to us from Matt Takimoto. He is Asian.

The State of the Union (Between My Ass and the Couch)

On February 28th, 1983, 121.6 million people watched the final episode of M*A*S*H. Was it the culmination of one of the great TV series in history? Yes. Was it the only thing on? Possibly. But mostly, it was because this was the only opportunity to watch it. If you missed it, that was it. 121.6 million people cried when Hawkeye’s chopper took off, and you get left out of every barroom conversation for twelve years until the Hallmark Channel picked up syndication rights. Fast forward to 2010, and the series finale of Lost. Arguably the most talked about show in history, the finale only garnered 13.5 million viewers, making it the 55th most watched finale, far behind such works of television genius like Magnum P.I and Family Ties. Fast forward to ten days ago. Ten days ago, I had watched exactly zero episodes of 30 Rock. Thanks to the magic of Netflix Instant Watch, Hulu Plus, I have now watched every episode of 30 Rock. And because, frankly, it’s ridiculous to watch a TV show on something other than a TV, my Playstation 3 puts the Internet on my television. My question: is this world we live in a better place?

The answer is, well duh. If I want something, whether it’s a pepperoni pizza, tickets to see Kid ‘n Play, or a $1000/hour escort, I can do it from the comfort of my own home, and without talking to another human being. All I need is one of those Jetsons robots that dresses and bathes you, and I will have to literally do no work to enjoy myself. The modern era of entertainment is like that $1000/hour escort I mentioned previously: fast, easy, and commitment-free. Twenty years ago, if I wanted to watch The Big Bang Theory, my options were either pick up the show from the next new episode, and somehow try and piece together earlier episodes through re-runs and word of mouth, or just come to grips with the fact that I missed out. Now, I could watch the whole series in the next 72 hours if I wanted to, or I could spend ten minutes on the Internet and catch myself up on everything that has happened in the past three years. God bless America.

Where do we go from here? A step further. Let’s throw out any semblance of a regular TV schedule, except for the first time a show is available for me to watch at my leisure. Every single thing that shows up on television should be immediately available on demand, because I’m too goddamn hip to watch a TV show at the same time as other people. I want to watch it at 2:15 AM in the midst of my mid-week ascetic shut-in because my cutoff sweatpants are too cumbersome to take on and off multiple times a day. This is America, all I want are the liberties the Founding Fathers fought to afford me. Yes, that’s right. George Washington crossed the Delaware River so ordinary Americans like myself can be two steps away from Real Housewives of Orange County at all times. Freedom isn’t free, but as long as you set up automatic bill pay, it’ll feel free.